Down days come in waves…

I feel sad.

I miss my daughter.

I don’t feel like doing anything today. My heart is heavy. My body is weak. I can no longer push down the pain when it’s staring me right in the face threatening to expose me. Threatening to bring me to my knees.

Control. We can only control how we feel and how we react, scratch that we can only control how we react. How do you control a feeling? How do you stop from loving. How do you stop from hating. How do you stop from hurting?

You can’t.

It hurts all the time but I ignore it. The other girls deserve a mom. The other girls deserve my strength. The other girls deserve happy times with me.

Every happy moment comes with guilt buried inside. Every posted picture I see the empty space where she would have been. Even if a smile were forced due to teen angst and protest she still would have been there and I would have the comfort of knowing that when she got older she would know how much those moments mean, to me, to her, to her sisters, to our family.

She is gone. A ghost that haunts me. A pawn that plays me. A weapon in her parents war. A child trying to find her way to adulthood using the tools her immature parents gave her. Paddling to shore in a sinking boat.

You’re not replaceable. You’re not forgotten. I mourn my daughter every single day. So close but so very far away.

I cry. I can’t breathe. I hurt for what has been lost. I hurt for the pain inflicted on all hearts. I fear history repeating itself. I fear losing another.

the exhaustion is deep in my soul. The pain deep to my bones. Time heals all wounds. I don’t know how to process the pain while I wait for healing. I don’t know how to stay standing with the continued blows to my heart. Every. Single. Day. How do you heal when the damage continues to be inflicted.

I’ve waved my white flag but the blows keep coming and here I sit like a fish in a barrel trying to dodge bullets… when will it stop.

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