White flag

I took my blog offline for a few days out of fear of what may be used against me but today I got a message from God that told me I am suppose to keep it open, I’m suppose to say what people need to hear.

I am going to continue to be transparent. I have nothing to hide.

I haven’t always been right. I haven’t always been healthy. I have never been perfect and will never be. I’ve made mistakes. I am a sinner.

I never wanted my life to be this way.

I feel like I will forever be punished for sins of my past.

You hurt me, so I hurt you. I hurt you, so you hurt me.

It’s a never ending treacherous ride that I want to get off of, spinning in circles making me sick to my stomach.

Grey Rock.

No emotion.

No response.

I feel so heavy. No matter what I do it’s all on me. It’s all my fault. I am the bad guy and I will pay the price for the rest of my life.

I don’t want to play anymore. It doesn’t feel good anymore. It’s time to grow up and stop living in the past, stop behaving like middle schoolers always trying to poke and prod and point the finger at someone else so that our faults are not on display.

The price is far too high for me to pay. I almost lost my life over all of this fighting and I will not do it any more.

I give up. I surrender. I don’t want to do this any more. There is no winner in a game like this, everyone loses the longer you choose to play.

My heart has been renewed. Maybe not yesterday, maybe not today but I have asked God to work inside of me and bit by bit he continues to change me one piece at a time.

It doesn’t matter if you can see it. It doesn’t matter if you believe it. I know me and He knows me and that is all that is important.

I have faith and I may not know where he is leading me but I know the direction he has shown me and I will continue to follow even if it is hard. Even if it is blindly.

I will not react. I will not fight back. This war has already been won. Not by me. Not by you. By Him and Him alone.

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