This is not a poor me story. This is laying out why I feel the way I feel in order to process if I am allowing my past to dictate my future and how I myself parent…
My biological dad left when I was very little. Only coming into my life on and off through letters and cards inconsistently.
I felt abandoned and that he made other things a priority over me. I felt like I was not worth fighting for.
When I was in 6th grade I was given the choice if I wanted to have visits with my first step-dad, Wade who adopted me. There was a lot of conflict surrounding my parents at that time and while I wanted a relationship with the man I had called Dad since 1st grade I felt a loyalty to my mom and did what I thought she wanted me to do and told him I didn’t want visits with him.
Even though I told him I did not want to see him via letter, I was not mean or hostile. Unknowing, he was the first to instill the idea that everyone who says they loved me eventually will leave and don’t truly love me. I was not worthy.
Not only did I lose another “dad” but I lost a family that came with it.
I married the first boy who told me he loved me and held on for dear life trying to make a better life for our children to show them that love is not what I thought it was. That love will conquer all if you try hard enough to make it work. Our “love” was not strong enough to disprove the false truth in my heart that everyone leaves and no one truly loves me or stays. Once again my heart told me I am not worth fighting for.
My dad, Mike has had to pick up the pieces others broke and try to hold me together and make me believe that he loves me and will never leave me. At times I have felt this is untrue but still he pushes through trying to show me his love and that no matter what I do or say he is there for me and loves me. My ears hear him but my heart is gripping onto the false truth that I am not worthy.
I am working on hearing with my ears and not listening to the lies told to me by the scars inside my heart.
My boyfriend, Mike is attempting to heal a heart he did not break. He is fighting hard and verbalizes daily that I am worth the fight. I am loved and I deserve to be loved. I hear him with my ears but my heart still roars loudly in my soul with it’s hurt.
When my child tells me she just wants me to leave her alone, I am brought back to my own 16 year old self pushing everyone away to test them and see if I am worth the fight. Most people disappointed me and made me feel unworthy and unloved.
I am brought back to her as a toddler, kicking and screaming because she was over tired and didn’t want to take a nap. I knew what was best for her and would swaddle her in a blanket like an infant and hold her tight, rocking, rubbing her little face softly and singing to her until finally she wore herself out enough and would succumb to what she needed most, sleep.
She is no longer a toddler. She can no longer be forced into what I know is best for her. There is not a blanket big enough to hold her and my arms are growing weaker.
How do I let go? How do I watch as my child makes choices that I know will affect her for the rest of her life. I know because I too thought I knew best at her age. How do I let go when almost everyone in my own life has let go and it makes me feel resentful, unworthy and unloved?
How do I do that to my own child? I’ve been told that I am destroying her life. How does one destroy a child’s life by simply loving her and wanting the best for her?
How do I let my child go when I see the negative strongholds all around her? How do I be a light of positivity without her hating me for the rest of her life. It wasn’t until I was faced with my own child and the struggles of motherhood that I understood my own mother.
My mom is not perfect. She is hard to get off the phone and never stops “bugging” me. She talks a lot about herself and always wants to tell me all about her day. She pokes and prods and wants me to spill all that is in my heart every. Single. day. She doesn’t always hear what I am telling her but she tries. She wants me in her life so badly. She loves me. She fights for me. She tells me I am worthy.
I remember one time in middle school we were arguing and she slapped me across my face. In a split second I instinctively slapped her back… what happened next is a bit of a blur but I can tell you I never touched my mother again because my dad, Mike put the fear of God in me to never disrespect my mother like that again.
At 19, her and my dad divorced and I shunned her for a year based off what I felt was loyalty to my dad, Mike and maybe the fear of losing yet another dad. She was not at the hospital when I delivered my second child due to the conflict. She had to back away because I was in the middle of the high conflict fighting. I saw how it destroyed her and felt she just wanted sympathy and was selfish making my joyous day about her pain.
Now I know the true devastation on the heart when you lose a child. I’ve lost a baby through miscarriage but when you lose a living child who is still living it is a completely different pain in your heart.
I am told she will come back. I am told she doesn’t mean it. I am told to give it time. It took over a decade and a near death experience for me to heal and see my mom for who she is and the pain she went through.
How do I let go of a living child? What does that look like? How do I do it without her feeling like I am giving up, that she is not worth the fight, that she is not loved unconditionally??
I suppose there is no right answer to my questions. All I can do is do what I believe is best. Do what I can live with. Pray that some day she sees me and finds a new truth with new insight. Pray that she rejects any negativity planted in her heart and sees the only truth that is not subjective: I love her with every fiber of my being and nothing will ever change that no matter what!! 🧡