Conflicts in Abandonment

This is not a poor me story. This is laying out why I feel the way I feel in order to process if I am allowing my past to dictate my future and how I myself parent…

My biological dad left when I was very little. Only coming into my life on and off through letters and cards inconsistently.

I felt abandoned and that he made other things a priority over me. I felt like I was not worth fighting for.

When I was in 6th grade I was given the choice if I wanted to have visits with my first step-dad, Wade who adopted me. There was a lot of conflict surrounding my parents at that time and while I wanted a relationship with the man I had called Dad since 1st grade I felt a loyalty to my mom and did what I thought she wanted me to do and told him I didn’t want visits with him.

Even though I told him I did not want to see him via letter, I was not mean or hostile. Unknowing, he was the first to instill the idea that everyone who says they loved me eventually will leave and don’t truly love me. I was not worthy.

Not only did I lose another “dad” but I lost a family that came with it.

I married the first boy who told me he loved me and held on for dear life trying to make a better life for our children to show them that love is not what I thought it was. That love will conquer all if you try hard enough to make it work. Our “love” was not strong enough to disprove the false truth in my heart that everyone leaves and no one truly loves me or stays. Once again my heart told me I am not worth fighting for.

My dad, Mike has had to pick up the pieces others broke and try to hold me together and make me believe that he loves me and will never leave me. At times I have felt this is untrue but still he pushes through trying to show me his love and that no matter what I do or say he is there for me and loves me. My ears hear him but my heart is gripping onto the false truth that I am not worthy.

I am working on hearing with my ears and not listening to the lies told to me by the scars inside my heart.

My boyfriend, Mike is attempting to heal a heart he did not break. He is fighting hard and verbalizes daily that I am worth the fight. I am loved and I deserve to be loved. I hear him with my ears but my heart still roars loudly in my soul with it’s hurt.

When my child tells me she just wants me to leave her alone, I am brought back to my own 16 year old self pushing everyone away to test them and see if I am worth the fight. Most people disappointed me and made me feel unworthy and unloved.

I am brought back to her as a toddler, kicking and screaming because she was over tired and didn’t want to take a nap. I knew what was best for her and would swaddle her in a blanket like an infant and hold her tight, rocking, rubbing her little face softly and singing to her until finally she wore herself out enough and would succumb to what she needed most, sleep.

She is no longer a toddler. She can no longer be forced into what I know is best for her. There is not a blanket big enough to hold her and my arms are growing weaker.

How do I let go? How do I watch as my child makes choices that I know will affect her for the rest of her life. I know because I too thought I knew best at her age. How do I let go when almost everyone in my own life has let go and it makes me feel resentful, unworthy and unloved?

How do I do that to my own child? I’ve been told that I am destroying her life. How does one destroy a child’s life by simply loving her and wanting the best for her?

How do I let my child go when I see the negative strongholds all around her? How do I be a light of positivity without her hating me for the rest of her life. It wasn’t until I was faced with my own child and the struggles of motherhood that I understood my own mother.

My mom is not perfect. She is hard to get off the phone and never stops “bugging” me. She talks a lot about herself and always wants to tell me all about her day. She pokes and prods and wants me to spill all that is in my heart every. Single. day. She doesn’t always hear what I am telling her but she tries. She wants me in her life so badly. She loves me. She fights for me. She tells me I am worthy.

I remember one time in middle school we were arguing and she slapped me across my face. In a split second I instinctively slapped her back… what happened next is a bit of a blur but I can tell you I never touched my mother again because my dad, Mike put the fear of God in me to never disrespect my mother like that again.

At 19, her and my dad divorced and I shunned her for a year based off what I felt was loyalty to my dad, Mike and maybe the fear of losing yet another dad. She was not at the hospital when I delivered my second child due to the conflict. She had to back away because I was in the middle of the high conflict fighting. I saw how it destroyed her and felt she just wanted sympathy and was selfish making my joyous day about her pain.

Now I know the true devastation on the heart when you lose a child. I’ve lost a baby through miscarriage but when you lose a living child who is still living it is a completely different pain in your heart.

I am told she will come back. I am told she doesn’t mean it. I am told to give it time. It took over a decade and a near death experience for me to heal and see my mom for who she is and the pain she went through.

How do I let go of a living child? What does that look like? How do I do it without her feeling like I am giving up, that she is not worth the fight, that she is not loved unconditionally??

I suppose there is no right answer to my questions. All I can do is do what I believe is best. Do what I can live with. Pray that some day she sees me and finds a new truth with new insight. Pray that she rejects any negativity planted in her heart and sees the only truth that is not subjective: I love her with every fiber of my being and nothing will ever change that no matter what!! 🧡

4 thoughts on “Conflicts in Abandonment

  1. If you don’t want to make it a big life event. Don’t approach it like a big situation. This isnt losing a child. (Though it may feel like it could be. ) This is her growing up, learning to process feelings and balancing it with new found adolescent independence. I’m guessing shes tired of all the serious talks lately and every time she hears/reads more heavy, serious talk… it drains her all over again. Don’t fan the fire.
    When you see her, give her a quick ‘love you.’ If you don’t see/hear from her for a week or so, send her a lighthearted text affirming your love, ‘love ya babe, miss ya!’ Give her the space she’s been asking for. The more you disregard what she’s saying the more she probably feels unheard. It sounds like she feels suffocated and doesn’t want to deal with the “heavy”. I don’t think you need to worry about her not feeling loved, I think she knows. She could just be avoiding the inevitable awkwardness of coming around; she will, in her time.

    Unsolicited advice or not, it’s a different prespective. It may get you different results.

    Like

  2. You have faith Jessie!!… You’re taking steps of faith… You have hope!!… You’re looking with hope to keep fighting and overcoming… You have love!!… You’re relying on HIS love and continuing to love those you care about… Love is greater and never fails…

    Like

  3. I’ve read every post. Your problem with your daughter is exactly what the 1st comment said, you are making things too heavy. As you know teenagers want normalcy. What you did is done, you can remember to help build yourself back up but this isn’t something to constantly discuss with her…no matter how much you see yourself in her. The tighter you squeeze a bar of soap the harder it is to hold. As someone who hates being smothered, even a “miss you” text at this point will keep her at a distance.
    Short and sweet own up to what you did, apologize for the stress you’ve put on her (without going into detail), tell her you are here when she’s ready to come back. When she does come back act normal like she was never distant.

    Ownership gains credibility. There are a lot of “reasons” and people to point the finger at, you could do that all day long. It’s all excuses. To most people it’s passing off ownership. If you want to regain respect for yourself, respect from others, respect from your children? Then take ownership and focus on making yourself better and stronger and be their mother. A parent is the strongest person a child knows, kids want to feel secure, especially in teenage years, right now, by opening up like you have, as brave as that is, naturally your 16 year old is gonna gravitate toward her dad.

    I believe you can do this, I really do. You’re stronger than beyond measure. Focus on getting better so you can be stronger for your family. You are worth it, believe it.

    Like

    1. I’ve done all this. I’ve owned my flaws. I have apologized. I have let go. I don’t blame anyone or anything. I have no contact with my daughter at all, at her request. There is more than just what happened with me that is going on that I don’t publicly post but thank you for your insight.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s