Something has got to give.
Something needs to change.
You can’t keep doing the same thing and expect a different outcome.
Change takes time.
Healing takes time.
Healing is not a linear process, it is a circular one and every time you face something that brings up your past hurts you get better and better at dealing with them.
You can not do a full 180* in a day, a week, or even in a month. However, small changes lead into big ones. One step at a time, one day at a time change will come if you continue on the path and don’t let others deter you.
My sister once told me a long time ago that she loved military life because it got her away from her past and the people that held her to it. That people back home didn’t allow her to be who she really is. That they held her to who she was before. That they couldn’t see how she had changed and improved. That they only want to see the bad of who she was and not the good she has become.
People will only see what they want to see or hear what they want to hear. Myself included. I can be narrow minded. I can be stubborn. I can only hear what I want to hear when I feel trapped and unheard. I have a human tendency to attack verbally when I am feeling attacked. I have a human tendency to go tit for tat when I am being scrutinized. I am not perfect. I have made mistakes.
We do not deserve forgiveness. We do not deserve grace. We do not deserve love. None of us did, not until God sent his only son to die on the cross for our sins. We are all the same, no matter our sins. They are all equal. Murderer or liar, God says we are the same. People give weight to sins and say that one is greater than the other but in God’s eyes there is no difference.
I am human. I am working on breaking my habits of blaming or pointing the finger at others when they blame and point their fingers at me… You did this… well, you did that… It doesn’t matter, we are all forgiven.
I have been wrong. I am sorry. I asked for forgiveness from my God and he has given it to me.
It is not your job to forgive me or judge me. It is not my job to forgive you or judge you. Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves not the other person. Holding onto the hate, anger and bitterness of the past only hurts ourselves. This is a lesson I am still in the process of learning.
My human tendency to hold onto past transgressions so that when I am faced with my own I can balance them and not feel guilty is a common human character flaw that I am working on eliminating. It’s harder to do when faced with human judgement and put in a worldly court where I have to defend myself against false allegations and show proof of each transgression against me in order to move forward on earth. I can not fully move forward until human judgement has been made. I can not wait until it is passed and I can fully move forward in healing.
What we tend to label as anger is rarely anger. I am hurt. I am disappointed. I am exasperated. I am exhausted. I am on high alert with walls held high.
I have been accused of doing horrible things that I wouldn’t dream of doing to my own children. I have been demonized. I have been told I am crazy. I have been told I am hated. I have been told I am fake. I have been manipulated. I have been wrong. I have made mistakes. I am not perfect.
God says I am forgiven. God says they are forgiven. God says He loves us all. God says we are all the same. God says to love our neighbor. God says to lead others to his light by example. The only way to lead is to show others we are the same. We all deserve His forgiveness because he deemed us worthy, ALL of us. I may not keep this in mind in the heat of an emotional human moment but it is a truth I am planting into my heart and watering daily to grow inside of myself. It may be small right now but it will grow and it will show through everything around me.
I forgive me. I forgive you. I am moving forward. I will defend myself. I will protect my own. I will do so by providing facts and giving it all to God for he is the only one who hears all, sees all, and knows all. He is the only one who speaks only truth with a pure heart and I will continue to make changes to be more like him by cleansing my heart and hands of the filth of sin and move forward in his grace and mercy.
I am no longer a slave. I am a child of God🧡
Inspiration to listen to: No longer spaces – Bethel Music, Jonathan David & Melissa Helser