Our problems are like icebergs. 10% above the water and 90% below…
Yesterday, I had the opportunity to practice my think-feel-do process when I was feeling rejected and pushed out of a milestone event for one of my girls…
By digging deeper into my feelings of the situation (the only thing I can solve in this moment) I realized that my role as a mom is so important to me because of my own abandonment issues and feelings of not being enough.
I had two options… 1. Storm the gates as I have always done or 2. Be patient and recognize that in time all of this would be evened out.
Looking at both options I realized that while #2 is not natural for me or easy in any way, shape or form; it was ultimately going to get me closer to where I want to be and was more aligned with who I want to be.
So as hard as it was, I suffered in silence but not alone anymore. I channeled my emotions into something positive to come up with a plan that would further my case and help prevent this kind of thing from happening again in the future.
When I say look around, I don’t mean look at who or what you can blame. I mean look at your past. Understand why you feel the way you do, separate it from what has happened in your past so you can identify when you are projecting a deeper issue. Look at those around you. Identify why you have adopted certain [unhealthy] coping mechanisms and look at that person you are mirroring (sometimes unknowingly). Is that who you look up to? Is that who you want to be like? Look around and if who you see around you are not who you want to be like, then change your view. Change who you allow to be in your inner circle.
There is a saying that we are most like the 5 people we spend the most time with. It’s so true. Negativity breeds negativity, but smiles are contagious too!
Sometimes in order to make a big change in your life you have to take a step back from people. This does not mean they are bad. Things are not black and white. Those who I have eliminated are toxic to me.
Let me elaborate on what toxic means. dictionary.com states that toxic means: poisonous, very bad, unpleasant or harmful…. When I remove a person from my life even if it’s temporary, it’s not because they are bad or unpleasant. It’s not because I don’t like what they have to say. What MY definition of toxic is, is that they are life threatening to me. They feed the negative voice inside my head and I almost lost my life over that negative self talk and I am protecting myself while I am still gaining strength to recognize the lies from the truth.
I am chipping away at the bottom of my iceberg. Though it may never fully go away, I can work at my deeper issues. The ones that actually hurt me, not the superficial ones that are easy to see. One of the ways that I use to heal is something I call change the voice. I’ve been getting better over the past two years at recognizing what God’s truth about me is and what I have adopted about myself from those around me who may intentionally or even unintentionally feed the negative voice inside my head that still speaks loudly from time to time. I am who He says I am.
I don’t see anyone as evil. I don’t see anyone as bad. Some of these people have no idea that they feed the negative voice, but they do. Those are the people who I have to remove from my table at this time. This is NOT the easy way out. I love some of these people with my whole heart. Some of these people are my own blood and it makes some of my other issues, like abandonment, flare their ugly head. Most of these people have their own issues they are projecting. My issues are not the problem they are reacting on. They have their own icebergs that are calling.
It’s easier to see another persons iceberg. It’s easier to point theirs out instead of our own. When reacting to someone else’s problem we are reacting on our own deep seated issues that we project onto another person. When we interject ourselves into other people’s problems we are avoiding our own and need to recognize why we feel the way we feel. Why we feel the need to fix a problem that is not our own.
Have you ever felt very strongly about helping another person without being asked (not talking about superficial acts of kindness)?
Have you ever felt the need to comment on what is going on in another persons life or input your opinion without being asked?
Have you ever felt the need to tell someone off because of something they did to another person and you feel the need to stick up for them, when the person is perfectly capable of communicating or sticking up for themselves?
With the exception of the very young, very old, and the mentally (and sometimes emotionally) challenged people we should never have to interject ourselves into their lives unless they themselves ask us to.
We may be projecting our own issues no matter what good intentions are at play, it still speaks to an unhealthy projection of deeper issues.
I am attempting to recognize these behaviors in myself.
I have recognized these behaviors in others because it’s easier to do, now the hard work is recognizing it in myself. Now some of the above examples are not unhealthy. They become unhealthy and a sign of something deeper when they are emotionally charged.
For example, when I speak to a doctor about a patient and what I believe is right for them, that is not a problem however if I am emotionally charged when I fight for what is right for my patient, then that’s a problem. It’s my problem no one else’s and I need to solve it and not project it onto others.
We are all a work in progress. I’m happy to share my lessons with anyone who is struggling with their own iceberg, we don’t have to struggle alone. 🧡