Yesterday I started 100 days to Brave by Annie F. Downs that was started January 1st in a group I’m in and I’m catching up on the first 5 days…
People tell me that I’m brave for writing my blog and being so honest…
that’s not brave to me, that’s just who I am. I don’t see bravery in honesty. I don’t see bravery in spilling my emotions out in typing. That’s just what I need to heal and process.
Some of these blogs are angry and mean but that doesn’t mean I am stuck there it means that’s where I was at when I was writing them and that’s what I needed to let out to move on from it and not let it infect me too deeply, that’s not brave. In fact, sometimes it unintentionally or intentionally hurt another person and hurting people is certainly not brave no matter how much they “deserved” it.
What I could possibly see as brave is posting them publicly despite the negativity and hate I’ve been receiving anonymously. Keeping them up for all to see because despite how it may make me look or how it could be used against me, I know that it may end up being “a page in someone else’s survival guide” and for that I will keep it up. But even that is just part of me. I am a nurse, it’s not what I do it’s who I am and for that I don’t expect to be seen as brave…
no none of that seems all that brave to me.
What scares me? What terrifies me? What do I need to do in order to be brave?
Admit that I need help. Accept that help and let go of control. My brave is not having to explain myself and trusting that God has me, to follow him unconditionally.
That is what I am attempting to do, be brave. I need help. I need prayers. I surrender control to God. I surrender to his plan though I don’t understand or know what he has in store for me or why he chose me or why he wanted me alive to continue this fight I have no energy for but I just surrender it to him. I won’t let the devil win again. I will be brave and have blind faith even though the stubbornness I hold inside will fight and question I know that’s all part of his healing.
I have to be brave and believe that all of this has and continues to happen for a reason. I have to be brave and ignore the lies people say about me and not let it affect me. I have to be brave and not give them any merit. I have to be brave and continue following his plan and doing what I know to be right even when the devil uses the most precious people to me against me. I have to be brave and know that is the devil working. I have to be brave and hold the truth inside me close to my heart. I have to be brave and continue to move forward despite the hostility and those against me. I have to be brave and leave my sins at the foot of his cross and not allow anyone including myself to nail me to it, because Jesus already paid for my sins and I have to be brave and believe that.
I’ve never really been a religious person. It never seemed genuine to me and I would roll my eyes when my mom would spout her bible verses or when my biological father suddenly found God, again, on the inside of a prison cell, or when my first step dad would use the Bible to explain why he had to spank my sisters and I with the paddle board often until we were sore and bruised…. No, religion always seemed like a fake mask for those who wanted to hide their sins or make an excuse so trust me when I say I understand where the haters are coming from but I should be dead. Nothing else explains why I am here other than divine intervention. I know there is a story out there that someone “saved me” but they are wrong. My blog was time released. I took the pills hours before anyone could have “saved” me from reading it. There is NO reason other than GOD why I am here and for me admitting that and recognizing that I am powerless to him is MY BRAVE.