Letter to my bigs

I’m blocked on all social media and both of your phones but I need you to know that I love you and I think of you every second of every day.

I didn’t want to do this publicly because our healing is our own and it belongs just between us but it’s the only way I know how to possibly reach out to you and can no longer wait another week for therapy it’s been too long already.

I’m trying to respect your feelings and give you space to start your own healing but completely shutting me out is killing me and I know deep down it has to be hard on you too.

I am very very sorry for everything happening this way. I need you to know that I would never purposely leave you. I need you to know that I am battling a disease and I didn’t know it until it was too late.

I’m sorry for not being myself. I’m sorry for not recognizing that I needed help. I’m sorry for missing my warning signs and not hearing you when you tried to tell me I wasn’t seeing you. I couldn’t hear you because I was sick.

I don’t blame it all on the disease and I know I have to take responsibility. I had poor coping mechanisms and was stubborn and weak. I felt it taking over me but I didn’t know how to stop it. I didn’t know what it was or how to process it.

I hope you never understand because the only way to truly understand is to battle it yourself and I would never wish that on you, I never want you to feel what I feel or be where I’ve been. I love you way too much.

I’ve never lied to either of you. And maybe sometimes I shared too much with you and that was wrong of me. You’re still developing, you’re still learning. I’m sorry if you felt I put you in the middle, a healthy me would never do that. A healthy me would never spew hate or be so angry. Anger is an emotion even the healthiest feel but a healthy me would never let it take control like I did.

Change is not easy and this disease surely doesn’t help anything but I am changing. I am fighting this disease and I will win over it. I will never let it take hold again.

I need you to know that part of the problem is shutting the world out, putting our feelings in a box and not feeling what we are feeling when we are feeling it. The only way to get better is to face it straight on. To talk about what you’re feeling and to deal with it little by little.

I’m moving forward and want you to also. We need each other. You do need your mother. Alienating me is not healthy and I’m not asking for much. I just want to speak to you and tell you that I love you. It’s okay if you’re angry and don’t want to speak just yet or if you want to scream and yell and tell me how you feel, that’s okay for now too.

We will get through this. We will move past this but in order to move we have to take that step forward. Please at the very least unblock me from your phones, I promise not to call you I just want to text you and tell you I love you and care about you so very much.

There are lies we tell ourselves. Lies society teaches us. Lies other people’s hate breeds inside of us. These lies are keeping us apart. Start with this one truth. Your mom loves you more than life itself and even when I was unhealthy that is what I held onto.

Never let the lie that I don’t love you ever take hold of your heart. I will never not love you no matter what you do, say or feel. I love you.

3 thoughts on “Letter to my bigs

  1. Very well said, Jess. I’m literally going through the same thing. If I could just tell you that I love you because even though you don’t believe me and you doubt me , I fucking love you!! I always have and always will. I have definitely made mistakes, I can’t and won’t argue against that! I AM NOT MY MENTAL ILLNESS, I AM NOT MY DISEASE!!! I am a person just like you and I deserve more respect than this! I am hurting, I love you no matter what you or I do, I just love you!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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