Lessons from littles

I hesitate to post because those who have poor intentions will boast how they are right and that I am unstable and unable to be who I “pretend” to be according to them and how I only care about trying to look perfect but I know they are wrong and I know others are struggling with the same feelings that I am so I’m going to post it anyway…

Today I watched inside out with my littles…

for those who don’t know what that is it’s an animated movie on the emotions in a girl named Riley’s brain (but in everyone’s head too). How certain life experiences (core memories) make us who we are. How Joy is the head of the command center and when Sadness tried to take over, Joy pushed her aside and made her hide until she broke through and wreaked havoc causing a break down in the command center that made Riley lose the ability to feel anything until anger, disgust and fear took over. How Joy and Sadness fought to get back to the command center and how only when Joy gave up control and realized that Riley needed sadness and that sadness did have a purpose and that Sadness and Joy could work together, they all could, did everything get better…

It lead to a conversation…

I asked the girls what they were told about why I was in the hospital and JJ said that daddy told her she was too young and wouldn’t understand but that mommy’s brain wasn’t working right. Kelsie said that her sister Lexi came to her and said that she would have wanted to know at her age and told her that mommy took pills and tried to kill herself.

I corrected Kelsie and told her that was not quite true. That yes, mommy took pills but I did not try to kill myself. That I was fighting a disease and that disease is what tried to kill me. I told jj that what she was told was right. Mommy’s brain, just like in the movie lost all my little emotion people from my control center and was unable to control the disease any longer. That just like diabetes or heart disease can be life threatening my disease became life threatening but that I got treatment and will have to make sure that I stay healthy every day so that I never get that sick again….

I received so much grace from my littles it made my heart swell. Made me see how untainted they were and how much they loved me unconditionally. Kelsie even told me that is why she wasn’t angry like Lexi, because she understood it wasn’t really me. It really showed me that when we are careful with what we say around the littles they truly get to make their own opinion but they were still tainted because people weren’t careful with what they said to my older daughters and the society we live in is not very kind to those with mental health disease so that dirty water did touch them but not enough like my older daughters…

tonight Jj had a break down and mostly talked about losing her friends at school and how one girl is mean to her but she also talked about feeling like she had to choose between her dad and I. That in each house she feels like a different person and that Lexi talked to her about not going back and forth. That she feels like she spends too much time at daddy’s when she is there and that she feels she spends too much time at mommy’s when she is here… she is so confused. She is being told things from her sister who is also confused and being pulled in all different directions. I held her and let her cry. I loved on her and tried to encourage her. I did get her smiling and she was extremely over tired which I’m sure had a lot to do with it but it broke my heart to see her that way.

It brought out some negative feelings that I fight. I won’t go into detail about those because they are not productive and I won’t give them power but I did reached out to a friend who has been through what I’ve been through and battles what I battle. Someone who can truly understand. Someone who is willing to take my hand and walk through the darkness with me, who has seen it all and won’t be scared like those who don’t see it like us.

I don’t always reach out to those of you who love me because I don’t want to freak anyone out. I don’t want anyone to worry and over react some how. I need you to understand that sometimes sadness is suppose to take over. Sometimes sadness does stand at the control center and that is a normal healthy reaction. It’s an emotion that is meant to take hold and the trouble comes when we try to keep her locked away and don’t face what we are feeling. It’s a cartoon but the lessons are profound.

I don’t need any negative comments. I can not figure out how to turn the comments off on this thing but please stop. I don’t think I’m perfect. I don’t think I’m better than anyone else. I’m not trying to blame anyone or anything. I am trying to understand why I am the way I am or do the things that I do and I share because not only are others processing themselves too and don’t have access to the therapy that I do but this is healthy for me too. I feel like people don’t even read my entire blog before posting comments. I even say right in my writings multiple times I blame only me. Healing is not a linear process, I am not taking any steps backwards by having sad moments. I am going to be honest at the risk of giving the haters exactly what they want but I am struggling and your comments are not helping. I feel like some people want the disease to win. I am strong and not only do I have my own healing that I am working hard at but I have four little girls that I am working hard to help through their healing too so please for the love of God leave me alone. I have enough of my own guilt and self hate I’m trying to cast out of my heart I don’t need any of yours. I am facing my consequences and I don’t need your punishment or verbal accosting hidden behind the keyboard. I’m not asking for sympathy and I know that all of this is falling on deaf ears by the comments that you make but maybe the seed will be planted that YOU have a problem if you think it’s okay to kick someone when they are already down to their lowest and trying with all their might to climb my way up out of the dark while you try to drag me back down with you.

I am not trying to blame anyone or provoke more negativity. I won’t let bullies get to me but they do feed the disease and society needs to understand this. It’s not something to get over. I’m not being dramatic. It’s a disease, it’s my brain chemistry and if you don’t have something nice to say then keep scrolling and walk away.

Let’s all be more loving and kind to everyone like the littles who have not been tainted by the darkness of this world. ❤️

5 thoughts on “Lessons from littles

  1. I’ve been wanting to post for awhile now, as I read all your blogs.
    Depression, anxiety, bi polar, ect is just as much as a disease as being an alcoholic or having diabetes. You have to be in control of it and it not be in control of you. Anxiety, is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. The older girls will come around once they get the understanding it had control of you and now you are working to get control of it. I am not quite sure as to why the older girls wont come over, but I wish they would it would help the healing process immensely. Stay strong you got this Jessie! It does not have you!

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    1. Thank you. I really appreciate people who actually understand, maybe not exactly what I go through but enough to have a kind understanding heart and to have compassion for another human being struggling. Thanks Erin!

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  2. Mental illness is a struggle I’ve had since I can remember. When my niece passed from suicide it made my family really realize that hey, this is a REAL disease. Just like any other disease, none of us woke up one day saying hmm, I think I’ll be anxious, or depressed, or an addict, or get cancer, or be a diabetic. I don’t know why people can’t get it through their heads that this IS a disease. And those that don’t understand, well their lives aren’t perfect either And if they are commenting with negativity they need help. They are sick. I applaud you my friend for being honest and open about this disease. If more people were, the stigma that’s worn out it’s welcome ages ago would not exist. There is medical evidence that proves that yes, mental illness is a disease. There are actual MRIs of brains of people who suffer from mental illness that show changes within the brain compared to those who do not suffer from the disease. It infuriates me for you that people are being so self absorbed and ignorant. Your little girls are precious. Out of the mouths of babes pure unconditional love, and an untarnished understanding ❤️

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  3. Dear Jessie, I think about you & your girls alot lately. The turmoil your lives are in. You, trying to figure yourself out & them, trying to process the truth, in 2 different atmospheres. 1 being your home and you & 2 being their Dads house and what he says, good, bad, correct or untruths. I see 4 young girls trying to process what is being told to them, what answers they get to questions being asked & what they overhear. This is truely a healing process but also a understanding of what happened & control that aspect. First of all, Chemical Imbalance of the brain is a real debilitating condition. Anxiety can play a very bring part in how you go about a daily routine. It can be so bad you don’t leave your home…AT ALL. If you do you can have an attack, it can be overwhelming. So people need to realize the depth a Imbalance can be. Don’t judge, unless you have been thru the exact things & pray for girls that they can find the answers they need to love & forgive , for their sake. Also, prayers for Jerry that he reads the medical background of this disease & seeks the truth so he can be very truthful to these young girls. I send all the thoughts & prayers to all involved. Stay Strong💓

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