Look around…

We are a product of our environment.

We adapt and we grow but unless we choose wisely what we sow and surround ourselves with what we want to show we will be a product of whatever is around us.

It’s been 13 years since my parent’s divorce. One parent chose not to show up to my sister’s wedding due to the hate they held for the other parent who was going to be there. The other chose not to show up to what should have been my death bed because of the anger and rage held against the other parent and didn’t want to come and cause trouble as I laid intubated and incoherent.

A wedding and a serious medical condition for which not even the doctors knew if I would pull through and two adults could not set aside their own feelings and allow the love they both have for their children to be greater than the hate they hold for each other.

I am not angry at either of my parents. I am just sad that they still don’t see what they are doing to their family. Pitting children against the other parent and using manipulation to make us see their side when our relationship with one parent should have nothing to do with the other. What you have done to each other needs to stay between you. It’s no wonder all I know how to do is spew anger and hate.

I don’t want that for my children. I never did. I got lost in anger. I fell victim to the passive pokes and let them evoke what I never wanted to be, never wanted them to see and I don’t blame anyone but me.

All I can do is focus on me and try to be who they need me to be. Try to understand how I got to this place, identify the triggers, the learned behaviors and warnings signs in order to make the change and do something different.

Following the path of others who are where I want to be and understanding that Jerry will never be who I think he should be so I need to be who I needed when I was being pulled in between immature parents who couldn’t put their children first. I may have been married and had children of my own but I was 19 and still a child myself, especially emotionally. I didn’t talk to one of my parents for almost a year after hearing the other sides story and adopting their anger as my own thinking I was grown.

One of my parents has shown extreme growth while the other still spews hate and bitterness with every word toward the other. I’m 32 and it still hurts that they can’t just love one another, not in a relationship way but in the human being showing another person love and kindness sort of way. Or at the very least keep our relationship separate from the hate you release toward each other and stop putting us in the middle.

This is what I will think of when the anger starts to boil. When I get so frustrated that his passive pokes have evoke my very animated and straight forward reaction for all to see make me look like I am crazy. I will stop before reacting and I will think of all that is lacking. It doesn’t matter what he does. It doesn’t matter what he says. All that matters is my love for my children.

Moving forward. I am excited for tomorrow, half my heart is coming home and while I don’t have my whole family I won’t live in limbo any more. We will do Christmas and I will somewhat feel whole again with my littlest babies in my arms to hold and to snuggle!

Time and patience with my bigs whatever I have to do to earn back their trust and show them I am me again and get them to see me for me and nothing else…

it took me a while to start seeing my own mother for who she really is and not the person I was told that she was. She is a strong momma bear who may have her own issues but loves us unconditionally and will always be there whenever we need her even if we are annoyed by her and can never get her off the phone she will be there no matter what we do or say to her. She will always be in our corner and love us through our hardest times.

I pray it won’t take very long but my girls have an even stronger momma than I did and I know my girls are smarter than I was. so I have to believe the healing is coming and soon my heart will be whole holding all four of my own baby bears back in my home where they belong.

Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

5 thoughts on “Look around…

  1. Product of environment.Taking this and the system of trying to correct a chid who is acting out do to the things they’ve seen in the house hold.I was placed on medication…Riddlen…at a very young age.Most diffenaly a product of environment.Its a long road.keep up the good fight for what is right.Dad.

    Like

  2. Look around.We grow up thinking we can change things.We search find that one we believe is the one.we try our best. Happy as we go together to always be.as time goes by violations between eachother happen.whos fault? We point figures because we hurt or are hurt.we all wish for the prefect relationship.when that breaks can we fix it?only time can culm that storm that tore you appart.It Will never be the same.Yes the childeren pay dearly for our broken hearts

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So true. But we can break the cycle and we can change. We can put a stop to it even if the other person is not on the same page. We can choose to not react. We can choose the high road. We can choose to stop the paranoid thinking even if we know in our hearts that’s who they are. That’s who they were with us, who knows the growth they’ve gone through. I’ve seen it in my own mother. People so fearful she would throw away her own grandchildren’s Christmas cards from the other grandparent, ridiculous and unnecessary. That’s not who my mom is anymore. While the anger still lives in side of her its a mere memory of what it was. She is still feisty and still has her momma bear but it’s nothing compared to who I knew as a child and young adult or maybe who I saw her as was just a product of the lies I was told of who she was I’ll never know.

      Like

  3. I kmow the blog wasn’t about me.nothing is ever is about me.Yet I sit here and suck it up because thats what I have to do taday.Do I want to screem? Yes out loud.but my soul tells me no!!! Just hang on and trust me.I ran a long time ago from myself not from you.Get that through your head.Yes your mom and I have grown.Im sure she’s nothing like she was nor am I.The lessons from the past will never come again.I know how to handle them.I just dont put myself in the position to by played and I don’t manipulate to play.love Dad

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s