Ouch

My heart’s been ripped out.

My soul torn in half.

I know now more than ever my girls need me here with them to fight for them and do what is right for them.

I’ve spent the weekend preparing Christmas for them and passing that tree just does something to me…

reminds me of what’s missing, part of my heart, a large part of me…

I know they miss me too even if some of them are angry, even if one of them may hate me, I know they still love me and miss me too.

The holidays are so hard. They’ve put everything on delay. I feel like my life is on pause waiting for the days without the Claus ringing in a new year without the resolve of the shadows of yesteryear.

I miss my Auntie M. She would know what to do. She would know what to say. Why did it have to end this way. We needed her here. I know she is watching over me. I know what she would say. Deep inside my heart I know what her advice would be but still something about hearing her voice and feeling her arms always comforted me and validated me. She made me feel important. She made me feel loved. She never judged me. She was my family with unconditional love, which is in short supply currently.

I am healthy and I am healing but that doesn’t stop me from feeling. Feeling the sadness. Feeling the hurt. Feeling the pain of this ridiculous game he is playing with my children. It’s a game of chess and he thinks he will win but patience and strategy is key and there will be a fee he won’t like when he has to pay. The courts will handle this to his dismay. He won’t evoke a reaction from me. He won’t get the best of me. He won’t destroy me like he thinks he will. He is ignorant and has no idea what he is doing, even if he thinks he has good intentions they don’t align with his actions.

I don’t see the purpose. I don’t see the plan. God open my eyes and continue to fill me with your great peace. I’ve asked for patience and strength. I know that you’re testing me. I know this is something to practice my strength and test my patience. I know what you’re doing, I just don’t know why yet. I will pass this test with flying colors. I will move on to help others. Growing is painful and I think I’ll be 8 foot tall after all of this growth but I still can’t help from feeling that part of me is missing. Ouch.

3 thoughts on “Ouch

  1. I feel for you. As a teacher, I would always admire what a wonderful mother you are. Year after year, I would see you at school as that ever involved mother. As the years passed, your family grew in numbers, but you made it look so easy. I remember you pushing a stroller with the other girls staying close by their mother.
    Those loving memories stay inside their hearts and they will forever need you. Continue to keep your faith. God did save you for a reason.
    May you feel your aunt’s presence. She is there. Pray to her, too.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I understand your pain.but in no way does God test you.He only allows you to go through these trails to make you a better person and to understand his love.He’s Got you trust him.

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  3. I’m sure being away from them is hard but they need time to process too I’m sure. Hopefully with time the wounds can heal. I think grace should be given not only to you, but to Jerry as well. He sounds like a father who is trying his best.
    Just a few short weeks ago your best option was to end it all. How should he or the girls trust you? It will take time to rebuild.

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