Hurting…

I am hurting.

My girls are hurting.

I am being kept from my babies and unable to help heal their wounds or comfort them in their time of need which causes me to hurt even more than not seeing them for 3 weeks.

I have to believe that Jerry is acting out of ignorance and fear instead of spite and hate because thinking the later only causes hurt which can turn into anger that is unproductive and I refuse to let that take hold and do more damage.

We have both said “I would never take the kids away from you” and I am learning to not let his lies affect me or cause me any more anger, it’s expected and I have to try and set the hurt aside. I am trying to understand how he thinks keeping them from me helps them or if he had any shred of compassion for the mother of his children how it helps me. If he really thinks I would ever do anything intentionally to hurt them he is definitely acting out of emotion and not logic. I mean, I truly felt I was making the ultimate sacrifice for my girls so they didn’t have to be in the middle of all the toxic fighting. Everyone agrees that I was unhealthy In that thought process and needed help yet continue to ask me what I thought would happen if I succeeded or I must not have thought leaving them with their dad wouldn’t be too bad… I didn’t think, I was mentally unhealthy, in a medication induced psychosis and not logically thinking; we’ve already established that. You can’t truly believe that I was unhealthy, mentally unstable and needed help and then use that unhealthy thought process against me to strengthen your stance especially when it is no longer my thought process and I’ve gotten help. I’m continuing to get help. My healing is in process but I am safe and stable as certified by the professionals. Does anyone really think I am so manipulative that I could trick four trained professionals into thinking I am stable? Does anyone think they truly know better than a professional with years of experience and education?! Does anyone really think that keeping children away from their mother is in their best interest; even the state allows drug addicts and alcoholics who put their children in imminent physical danger multiple chances before taking away their rights do you really think a judge is going to take rights away from a mother with a medical condition for which she is in treatment for? Are your words and actions congruent because that is what i have been learning to ensure; that my values and behaviors align. Enough with the venting…

I’m giving him Grace. I’m giving him peace. I will follow the law and file through them my complaints. My children do not need to be pulled in between. Legally could I have grabbed them and put them in my car the second he let the officer bring them to me to hug, absolutely but that would only hurt them more. I don’t want the hate. I don’t want the fighting. I just simply want peace. For me. For them. For all involved. The fighting has got to stop and now I know how to cope. Now I know how to end it in a healthy way. The court will handle this and it will not go his way. He is only hurting them more and at the risk of giving him legal advice hurting his very own case by violating a judges order who denied his request for emergent full custody and only granted parenting time while I was in the hospital.

I’ve prayed my prayer for strength at least a hundred times today to try and avoid the tears but still they come. Still they hurt. And that is okay. Sadness does not make me unhealthy. Sadness makes me human.

I’ve spoken to a therapist on the phone and gotten all my ducks in a row. I’ve folded laundry and crocheted all day trying to stay busy and keep my mind off my hurt. So many who love me texting me making sure I am okay. Scared of what I may do alone. I understand their fear. I am okay. I am hurting but I am not broken and I am certainly not alone. God stands beside me guiding me and showing me his strength. I feel weak but I know if I can not go on he will carry me because he is not done with me. He sent me back for a reason and I will fulfill his plan for me.

God never said he wouldn’t give us more than we can handle he said he wouldn’t give us more than he could handle! He tells us to cast all our worries and fear onto him and that is what I am doing.

I’m looking forward to a 2019 full of healing and peace. Hope everyone stays safe tonight! ❤️

5 thoughts on “Hurting…

  1. If he truly loves the girls, then he is acting out of what he feels is best for them at this point. Try not to tell yourself his choices with the girls are aimed at you.
    I don’t know all of the details that have gone on, but I can only imagine the plethora of emotions that he’s hearing from the girls, you and feeling himself. I’m sure it would be hard to know the ‘right call’ in that situation.
    Things will get better and this will pass.

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    1. I’m not shut down at all. I’ve done a great deal of work with professionals to find my truth and repair the damage other people’s negative perspectives of me and my life, has done to me. I have been instructed by professionals to cut those lies and those who tell them out of my life until I am strong enough to not allow it to affect me. The only perspectives that are important to me are my girls’ and I will deal with those as they come in the appropriate way.

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