Through the darkness…

I committed suicide and I get to decide what part of me died…

I was born early, emergently via c-section.

I was born under duress and had learned to thrive in an environment most find inconducive for survival.

I walked the halls of high school with my pregnant belly on display not caring what anyone thought because my baby needed a mother with a high school degree at the very least

I married at 18 when everyone told me we were too young and he wasn’t the boy for me but I was bound and determined to give that baby a family, a family even if I would never be fully happy, I would make it work.

I worked full time and went through nursing school to give my girls more and be a role model and show them that no matter the obstacle they can do more, they can over come, they can shine despite the grind.

I’ve never been the type of person to take the easy path. I am stubborn and blossom under stress and chaos. I am a diamond created with the same pressure that would make another crumble and break. I shine when helping others, letting my love and big heart shine through.

We all have a monster hiding inside. I’ve had this monster inside of me triggered by the perfect storm. With stress and anxiety she roared and fought whole heartedly. She broke off her leash with medication and lack of sleep. She took control and made me fold.

That monster is dead. She died in that hospital bed. Her shadows and memories tried to reanimate me with her anger, bitterness and hate but there is nothing left here for that kind of fate.

God has filled me with peace and there is nothing left for the beast.

A bright light shines within me that is for anyone to see. I will shine on. A lighthouse in the storm shining for others to see and to help guide them and find them in their darkness too. I’ve been through the darkness and I have overcome with the light of Jesus living inside me.

I’m not perfect. I am human and as my friend has said, “it all passes- the dark days, the darker days, and even the sunny days too.” I will need to work hard daily to be reminded of who I am, what my values are and ensure my actions and words align with those values but I am smart and I am strong. I am surrounded by people who love and adore me but even if it was just me and only I could see, my light will shine on for eternity.

My power will be found in peace and not a hasty angry release. I don’t need a blazing fire to light up the night; a flickering flame, a small portion of my energy and light will suffice in casting out the darkness.

I’ve lived through the darkness and now I choose to live in the light which will never be overcome by darkness.

4 thoughts on “Through the darkness…

  1. I love you, you can get through this I am here if you need anything to talk to, to vent to a shoulder to cry on.

    Keep your head up

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  2. Great words from a great person.Jesus was so good to us to leave us such a lite in himself and a place to put our burdens.At the foot of the cross where they belong. Love Dad.

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  3. Thanks so much for sharing, Jessie. The best way to help others who struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts is by learning from those whom have lived through experiences such as yours. Talking about suicide opens up communication pathways for others who are struggling. Keep on healing yourself. It’s just awesome that your blog therapy has such potential to help others.😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! It’s so healthy for me and that is exactly my intention that while there has been some backlash and may be used against me in future struggles I whole heartedly believe that God has put this on my heart to share because someone else may be hurting and it may just be the difference between life and death for someone else struggling. Thank you for your positivity and encouragement and know that I keep the cross you got me close at all times and always wake up with it still clenched in my hands always surprised I didn’t lose it in my tossing and turning, speaks volumes.

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