I love you…
I’m here for you…
I would never judge you…
I’m here if you need anything…
I’m here to talk if you want…
Day or night let me know, I’m here…
so many people love and care about you…
These are comments you hear during a crisis and a time of need but you also hear things like:
Why the fuck did you do something like that?
How could you do that?
Do you know what you put ME through?
What about your children?
You’re a wonderful mother minus what you did.
You hurt a lot of people.
There will be consequences to pay.
You don’t get to be angry.
You don’t get to decide.
You should give people grace.
You can’t cut people out just because they say something you don’t like.
God forbid anyone makes Jessie angry.
You need to stay admitted for a long time.
I need to take guardianship over her.
You’re so unstable.
You scare me.
You need to ( insert opinion here).
“What’s going on”- person who never talks to me or has anything to do with me
You need to be medicated.
You need to stop blogging publicly.
you need help.
Here is what I would like others to know about my situation…
This is not about you.
This is not about your feelings.
This is not about your opinions or concerns.
This is not your problem.
It is not my job to worry about how others perceive me.
It is not my job to worry about what other people think I should do.
It is certainly not my job to understand why you think I did what I did nor is it my responsibility to explain to anyone other than a professional my thought process or plan to get better.
I am sorry for hurting those that I love but those who know me and love me don’t need an apology even when I try.
What I did brought out other people’s own issues, insecurities and emotions. If you are having a strong emotional reaction to what I did I urge you to seek therapy and speak to someone about those feelings. I am not who you need to talk to. I am not the one who can help you. I have no answers for you. I have no peace to speak and while it may make you feel better to speak your peace and express your hurt and anger it is not productive or beneficial to anyone but the person expressing the anger and I will give you advice given to me. Write a letter and burn it. While I’m working on taking that advice myself I strongly encourage you to do the same. You see just like suicide, speaking your peace only relieves you of your hurt and anger but it transfers it to the person you vented on. Another thing to balance on their plate, another burden to carry on their shoulders, another stressor to handle when you have no idea what they are already dealing with.
Medication, Multiple Sclerosis, mental health disease and life stressors created the perfect storm that put me into a dissociative state where I detached from the overwhelming emotions I was feeling and who I am at my core and did something I would never do in my right mind. I was not crying for help. I was not being dramatic. I was not looking for attention. I was in a form of psychosis for which I am getting necessary medical treatment for and creating a plan to never find myself in that storm again.
While I want my privacy especially in this extremely critical time where my life is under a microscope, now more than ever do I need my blog to not only work out the thoughts in my mind and process my feelings but I want to share for anyone who may be or may in the future go through anything similar. If what I am going through, feel and say can help even one person it’s worth the scrutiny and and backlash that may come. This does not mean I’m asking for backlash, judgement or negativity and i will actually refer to my previous statement that if my actions or words cause you to have a strong emotional reaction please get yourself some help because no one else controls how we feel or respond and no one else is responsible for our feelings but ourselves.
If anyone thinks I do not know the severity of the situation or that I am acting like nothing happened please think again. I have not seen my daughters in over two weeks. I have only gotten to speak to Kelsie and Jeri Lynn on the phone 3 times momentarily. Chloe and Lexi refuse to speak to me. Jerry will not allow any of them to visit me and filed for emergent full custody while I am in the hospital. I have not worked or had an income sine November 9th and the bills are piling up not including this ongoing 16 day hospital stay. I have my day scheduled out for me and people ensuring that I eat enough, drink enough, sleep enough, pee enough and participate enough. I have family angry at me who want to make decisions for me. I woke up with a tube in my throat and a machine breathing for me. I had to be reintubated and placed back on the ventilator (life support) after the initial attempt to let me breathe on my own because my airway began to close off and I spent an additional 2 days needing a machine to breathe for me. I can not recall 6-8 days of my life because I was in and out of consciousness and on sedating medication. I acquired staph bronchitis and clostridium difficile which I’m still on antibiotics for. My entire stomach is black, blue and purple from DVT/PE prophylaxis. I have bruises and scars on my hands, wrists, forearms, AC, and even my upper arms from lab draws, an art line, ABG’s and IV’s including a midline. My coworkers saw me naked and placed a foley. My voice is weak and raspy from the intubation and swelling. I am in an in-patient medical psych ward. There is not a second that goes by that I am not reminded of not only the severity of my situation but of the miracle I was granted by God. I should not be here and the fact that I am not only here but with no damage to my organs and no evidence other than what can be hidden under long sleeves is evidence of a higher power with a greater purpose for me. So please do not worry that I am not taking this seriously or that I am not putting in the work because I am. I get it. But I refuse to be stuck even one day in the past and can only live for today, the moment that I am in and the future that I am planning for.
What to know about a person with mental health disease…
There are times that they look, feel, and act perfectly normal.
At no point does anxiety take a holiday. It does not turn off. It does not allow you to rest. It is not prejudice and it can strike anyone at any time.
You can’t fix it or cure it, it is part of who a person is, part of their chemistry. Just like diabetes, hypertension, coronary artery disease, or any number of illnesses while there are some things that can be done to improve symptoms and better manage the disease even if a person does everything right it is a life long disease and it is out of their control.
There are intrinsic factors out of our control and there will be bad days despite how hard we try to manage our illness and that is not our fault. That does not absolve us of consequence or responsibility but fault or blame is a punishment and blame is not ever a productive thing to assert.
Im sure there is more but I’m running out of time and have another group to do so I’ll leave you with this….
Please be be kind and give a little grace as I work through what I need to. I’m working on forgiveness and grace as well but it may take some practice.