The words in this blog were deleted while I laid unconscious in a hospital bed by those attempting to protect my children. I have a copy printed out by a family member and I’ve read it over and over. I’ve been praying hard on what to do with it. If I should rewrite the words as they were written to keep my truth pure and honest. I have thought about the damage it may do to my girls and it has occurred to me that like everything else they’ve already been told about it and what they imagine is probably so much worse than the actual truth if they haven’t already read it from someone else who has a screen shot or something. So after much consideration and prayer, here it is… (with some added insight from my healthy mind in italics)
Words Hurt written in a state of situational depression and exacerbated by prescribed medication that pushed me to the edge of something a healthy me could never do. Therapy has helped me see that even in what I thought was my very end, even in a state of psychosis my core value, my default if you will, was being a momma bear and taking care of my children. I was found in the hallway by the police who I am told were called by my sister in Kentucky after my cousin Kara called her about my blog and got into my home after calling Mike for the code to my front door… I was in that hallway because I had attempted to go get one last thing for my girls, squishys for my daughter Kelsie’s classroom, and passed out on the way. Caring momma bear until what I thought was my end.
In one ear, out the other…
Believe me I’ve tried and it doesn’t work. I can’t seem to get it right. Why do words hurt so badly. Why do they cut so deeply.
I know who I am. I know I am good. I know I am strong. Why do the words of those who I love hurt me so madly.
If my world is them and they are against me then is the whole world not against me? My own little world, turned against me poisoned by the delusions or destroyed by me? (This is black and white thinking… the answer is both. We have both caused damage. It is not all me. It is not all him. We both acted immaturely and both have put ourselves in front of them)
Is it me? Am I crazy? Are they right? Should I just go? Would everyone be better off without me and my special kind of crazy.
It’s what they want. She doesn’t believe in God. She doesn’t want anything to do with me. I gave up my life for her. She didn’t ask for it so why not give up my life for her. For them they are all turning against me. (I recently watched bird box on Netflix. I imagine myself blindfolded with the serpent whispering in my ear all the things in this moment… I am so sorry I took off my blindfold and listened to the lies. These are lies even if she continues to spout them, these are lies the devil continues to whisper to her. God is greater than the lies and will eventually shine through to her)
Suicide. It’s something I can understand. It’s not selfish. It’s not transferring the pain. It’s when a person can no longer carry all they hold inside. Everything those around them out on them to take on and expect us to just survive. (It does transfer the pain. When you are in this state of mind you can’t see the long term damage. You don’t think about seizing to exist you only think about escaping the pain yourself. It is selfish even if you think you’re doing it to benefit others. You think their life still goes on, they will survive but you do the same thing everyone has done to you by putting your burdens you could no longer carry onto them.)
I don’t want to just survive any more. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to fight and question myself any longer. I just want it to be over. Give them all what they want. (I still want it to be over. The fighting and turmoil has got to end. It will end. I’ve learned how to fight and not let it turn dirty. I’ve learned to give my fight to God and the professionals so that I no longer have to carry that burden. I’ve learned to live and not just survive.)
An easy life. A life without pain. A life without drama. They would be taken care of. He could get social security for them it would make [excerpt that is unnecessary] happy so maybe she wouldn’t be so bad for my girls. A community to rally around them. The Vdunk sisters, those poor Vdunk sisters and their crazy mother who left them all to suffer. (Now more than ever do I see how much they need me. The actions and decisions of others and how poorly the situation was handled showed me just how much they need me to be around to guide them and show them the way.)
Suicide. It’s not selfish. It’s for them. It’s the only answer. It’s all I have. I would give my life for them. (And I proved that. I did give my life for them or at least I tried. It was the only answer I could see but now I see differently. Now I am clear minded and see that is never an option.)
They don’t deserve this. They didn’t ask for this.
Take my home. Take their stuff. Put them through college. Take care of my girls.
Keep Jj in gymnastics and let her follow her passion, whatever that may be next. Snuggle her and love her. She needs you now more than ever. My little mini, attached at my hip. She will be a nurse and will not carry my curse. She will heal and grow and be the best anyone knows.
Get Kelsie a law degree. She is poised and logical and can fight with the best of them. She is strong and independent and has a mind of her own. She will change the world, maybe she will be a judge some day always concerned over what is fair and what is right.
Lexi loves animals and seeing people happy. She is empathetic and kind. A heart bigger than those huge brown eyes. Don’t get caught up making everyone else happy baby girl you’ll end up just like me. Find what makes you happy. Live for what you love not for what everyone else needs.
Chloe. Don’t let the world make you hard. God is real. Your momma loves you and will always be with you. Be happy but be happy by yourself. A boy, a toy or anything else shouldn’t be the source of your happiness. Stomp out that darkness you hold deep inside and let the true sunshine out. You’re the most like me, you don’t think you are but it’s true. Do better. Be better. Stay in therapy. Find your passion. Dive head first and show them who they are dealing with but don’t forget to be kind. Kindness is how you win. Kindness is how you show true strength, not dirty looks and stubbornness. Staying soft is the real secret of strengthX don’t let the wold harden you baby girl it makes you weak.
I’m sorry. This is what is best for all involved. They will survive. They are my girls, they will survive we always do. I’ve given them all I can and now it’s time to let go. (I was right about one thing in this paragraph, “it’s time to let go”. I’m letting go and giving it all to God. That doesn’t mean I won’t fight for my girls because I do have more to give them. I have more knowledge and wisdom than ever before and they need me. They need my lessons and they need my love now more than ever. We will heal and we will grow all together.)
[the last paragraph was just logistics of who gets what and does not serve a purpose anymore so I am not going to add it back here.]
I hope by adding this back publicly it can help others suffering from mental health disease grow and help those who don’t quite see me see a little better. I hope that giving my healthy insight can help start the healing in those who have alienated me and those who I have alienated for my own health as well. Please see me. I want you in my life. It’s not the easy way out to cut people out of your life who you care deeply about, it’s what’s necessary at times but cutting people out is temporary when it’s due to emotional stress and conflict. Those relationships should be re-examined when they show real progress and a pure desire to be in your life not just to criticize you or try to get you to see things their way but those who just truly love you for you and understand that emotions have a way of making lies sound true. See the truth. Speak the truth. Be the truth.