“Is this ever going to get better?”

Someone recently asked me “Is this ever going to get better?”

…those words have been on repeat in my mind and weighing heavy in my heart.

I’m trying to stay positive. I’m trying not to let the grief and the unknown over take my light.

Is this ever going to get better…

I sure hope it does. I pray that it does. The truth is that MS is unpredictable and has a lot of unknowns. One of my unknowns is if it will ever get better.

I try not to get too weighed down by that question because there are so many options for treatment but there is no cure yet so sometimes I feel a little hopeless like this is my life now however I’m still really stubborn and refuse to give up just yet.

I am really hoping the Ocrevus infusions give me an answer to that burning question. I hope that it’s my magic answer and that all will be well once it’s fighting inside my body to get my control back but I just don’t know.

Yesterday I fell down a couple stairs, I was able to catch myself after 2 or three but my leg buckled unexpectedly and I started to tumble down… I spent the rest of the day in bed scared to even walk to the bathroom without my walker because I didn’t know if my leg was going to betray me again or not.

My emotions are all over the board. I’m embarrassed to go out in public because I never know when I will cry hysterically or laugh so loud and obnoxiously out of control I’ll pee my pants. It doesn’t sound so bad but trust me it’s not fun to feel so emotional one moment and then not feel anything at all the next…

Speaking of not feeling that’s another thing MS has taken from me at times. Sometimes it’s my fingers, sometimes it’s my leg, sometimes part of my face but I don’t mind that one because it’s a break from the electric shock that shoots through the left side of my face and causes debilitating pain jolting down through my neck and shoulder…

MS has taken a lot but in its place stands my strength and stubbornness.

I refuse to give up. I refuse to be told that this is my life now. I refuse to be told “you can’t” I may need to make adjustments, I may need to modify some activities but can’t is not something I will accept lightly…

the only thing I can’t do is give up.

So please don’t ask me if this is ever going to get better. Please don’t give me any more negativity to focus on. Please don’t tell me I can’t because you’re not helping. Please don’t give me another question that I just simply don’t know the answer to because my body has a mind of it’s own and I am doing my best to do what I can to get better and to not let this stupid disease take over but questions like that push me right back down in the gutter.

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