Seems like an easy thing to do doesn’t it?
It’s hard to understand how a person doesn’t know how to be happy.
I don’t want to sound like a broken record or woah is me but I’ve had kind of a traumatic life. It’s always been one thing after another, trying to survive until the next day, trying to stay positive I know I’ll make it through okay but yet when everything seems to be going all right I have a tendency to tense up and freeze wondering what’s waiting for me around the corner…. always proving myself right when I find something that doesn’t seem to add up quite perfectly Right.
I’m trying to break the cycle. I’m trying to be free. It’s not drama and it’s not me I just can’t seem to find happy even though I am extremely thankful and blessed for everything in my life, literally people would kill to have my life.
At the risk of sounding a bit narcissistic myself here let’s lay it all out…
I’ve fought hard to get where I am. I have amazing daughters. A man who despite every ounce of my power to push him away he just seems to stay and understand being patient and kind and wants to take care of me even when I am not always nice. I have wonderful friends who support and love me and even let me be petty when I’m having a rough day and can’t be the bigger person. I have children who are great in school, well behaved and absolutely adore me as their momma. I have People truly see me for me, they see my heart and they see that despite my own expressions of imperfections know I have a kind genuine character and true loving heart. I am educated and have a great job. I get to help people and take care of people when they are at their most critical times of need. I have family who despite a few eye rolls at my theatrics and overly sensitive needs truly love me and are forgiving and kind to me even when I don’t feel I always deserve it. I have a beautiful home. I can put food on the table and pay all of my bills and even have some left over for some little extra pleasures in life. I have family who is not blood who accept me for me and I have blood who despite their own flaws are still blood none the less. I have a dad who chooses me even when I am mean and lash out and feel rejected and abandoned, he understands me. I am loved and I deserve to be happy, so why can’t I let myself be happy!?
I am angry and hurt. I still grieve the losses that are truly irrelevant to me. I want revenge. I want justice. I want the world to see his stupid ugly cruel face he hides beneath a fake mask of pretend good guy Facebook posts and fake happy “dad” pride posts. I want everyone to know he has never parented them and pretends to be so great while escaping with no real effort at all and earning credit for the great job I’ve done as a mom and tries to take my role and give it away to some bimbo blonde who uses magic marker as eye liner and falls for all his stupid fake bullshit and it’s not even her fault he preys on ignorant self depreciating women who only know how to ease the pain with pills and alcohol. He feeds off their need and how they put him on a pedestal because he has lack of empathy and an incapability to really feel any true emotions at all. I want people to see the damage he does on a daily basis all for his own call. The ugly cruel truth lurking behind his fake smile and how horrible and crazy I look for even being angry and wanting the world to see… it shouldn’t matter to me. I know. My girls know. He knows. They all fucking know but why can’t the world just see his stupid ridiculous show!
I am angry and I am mean. I say things that I really don’t mean. I lash out and I cry. I fail when I try. I really don’t think that I should be out in the open so I hide because I know the anger inside is getting in the way of my own pride, bubbling and boiling trying to ignore it until I ultimately implode and he is not damaged he is not hurt because he has no feelings he has no emotions and nothing could ever damage him because he does not care about anyone but himself. I only hurt me.
I only destroy my own discovery. Impede my recovery. I’m growing and I’m healing. I’m starting to get a feeling that I’m close to freedom, I’m close to letting go but every time I feel happy I get scared of what can happen if I allow myself to be happy for even a second…
the scars are deep and the bruises are invisible. Emotional abuse is not easy to over come. You never feel safe. You never feel done. You wish you could move forward and believe me it’s going to come but it’s a slow progression with lots of relapses but someday I know I will learn to be happy, I’ll learn to feel safe, I’ll learn to never ever let him take my grace but today I need to save face and stop letting the anger take away who I am.
I am kind. I am good. I am love. I am worthy. I am happy.