We all hate some part of our body or the weight that we carry but this is not a story of hating the weight or the superficial look of me.
I wake up and I hurt.
Unable to think.
Unable to move.
My head is in a fog.
My neck feels stiff as a log.
My foot won’t work and I have to shuffle to the bathroom dragging my leg along.
Tingling begins as I wake each extremity.
It’s okay everything is temporary.
Lay back down maybe more rest is necessary.
I can’t sleep. The weight is heavy on me.
Not the weight of pounds but the weight of everything.
Thinking some day this may not be temporary.
I can’t think like that.
Tears warm my cheek as I think I just hate my body.
I hate what I can’t do.
I hate what I have to push through.
I hate that I look normal and everything is fine.
I hate that I have to hide.
I hate that I hate everything.
I wish that I could stay positive inside 100% of the time.
I wish I wasn’t so weak, body and mind.
I wish this disease was more kind.
I hate MS and everything it’s destroyed.
I hate that I have to lie that everything is fine.
I hate when I sound like such a whiny little girl.
I don’t feel strong, beautiful or amazing.
I feel heavy with sadness and hate that I don’t shine.
I don’t feel like this all of the time.
It’s just that the clouds are darker from time to time and today is one of those dark days.
But I have to get up. I have to get moving.
Nothing is going to start improving unless I get up and start moving.
I hate my body most all of the time.