I forgive you.

I wrote this blog several months ago and like many of my blogs I didn’t publish it when I wrote it because it was just for me and I made a promise to someone that I wouldn’t write about him anymore or let the world (mainly our daughters) see the truth behind who he is (or at least who he is to me) but I feel it’s important to post now because I have so many friends going through what I went through. No one sees what goes on behind closed doors and while you may think you know the story of why two people split or actions that one person may have done that were ostracized so publicly (even if by their own empowering confession) you still have no idea what the whole story is and finally, finally I am able to truly leave my past in the past and forgive myself and move forward because my future is bright and I am finally rising out of the toxic sludge I had lived in for so long and I won’t let anyone keep me down in it nor do I need anyone’s permission because I finally believe that while i take responsibility for my misguided actions and mistakes where it lead me was not my fault… thanks for reading ❤️

I forgive you…

Even typing the words are hard.

Because really I don’t. But maybe the more times I say it out loud the closer I will get.

I started this blog thinking it was him that I needed so badly to forgive. I got through a few lines of forgiveness when I realized I had nothing more to say. I don’t not forgive him I don’t forgive me….

so here is my list of what I need me to forgive for me….

I forgive you for not feeling worthy.

I forgive you for letting him make you feel crazy.

I forgive you for thinking it was all on you.

I️ forgive you for thinking you could change him.

I forgive you for thinking leaving would make him a better person, a stronger person, a person you had been trying to help him become.

I forgive you for failing.

I forgive you for thinking you failed.

I forgive you for staying too long.

I forgive you for trying at all.

I forgive you for continuing to have hope that maybe someday he will grow to be the man your daughters need him to be.

I️ forgive you for giving up.

I forgive you for surrendering to the fact that you can not change him, he will never be the man you needed him to be.

I forgive you for letting him get to me. To you.

I forgive you for giving him so much control over you, then and now.

I forgive you for your anger.

I forgive you for not letting things go.

I forgive you for hating him so.

I forgive you for hating you too.

I️ forgive you for seeing who you were in your daughters.

I forgive you for letting him change that happy person that you were.

I forgive you for losing yourself.

I forgive you for giving him your innocence.

I forgive you for being angry, repeat but necessary to reforgive over and over because there is so very much of it to forgive.

I forgive you for losing your happy go lucky no one can steal my joy kind of who you were girl.

I forgive you for continuing to lose that girl you fight so desperately to find inside only to let him steal her once more with your anger and hurt.

I forgive you for your hate, anger, hurt and pain.

I️ forgive you for blaming you.

I forgive you for blaming him too.

I forgive you for letting him in.

I forgive you for giving in to the manipulation.

I forgive you for letting his voice be your voice and believing the cruel things that he says.

I️ forgive you for not seeing it.

I forgive you for ignoring it.

I️ forgive you for not wanting to relive it.

I forgive you for minimizing it.

I forgive you for not feeling it until it caused you crippling pain and a debilitating disease.

I forgive you for blaming yourself over and over and over until you ended up hating yourself.

I forgive you for retreating.

I forgive you for not standing up for yourself.

I️ forgive you for caring.

I️ forgive you for sharing with those unworthy to know.

I forgive you for your mistakes.

I forgive you.

I forgive me.

I forgive me for being hurt.

I forgive me for not having enough strength to carry your burdens.

I forgive me for letting go.

I forgive me for letting my anger show.

I️ forgive me for ever believing anything less than kind about myself.

I forgive me for letting him destroy me.

I forgive me for having no control.

I forgive me for wanting to be perfect.

I forgive me for always thinking I had to do more.

I forgive me for being an angry, scared hurt little girl for so long.

I forgive me for not being her anymore.

I forgive me for everything.

I️ forgive me for me.

I can’t undo what’s been done. I can’t change the past. I can’t make time move too fast or be closer to leaving the past in the past. I can’t make him see. I can’t make him want to be better. All I can do is work on me. All I can do is try to be better. All I can do is forgive and move forward. People will not always like me. People will not always see the true me. I can’t make them see me. I can’t make them want to be better with me. I can work on letting it go and stop being so angry for what I do not even know.

Mostly I forgive me for not seeing me.

Seeing who you are. who everyone around tells you that you are. I forgive you for not believing the good. I forgive you for not trusting the kind. I forgive you for getting rid of your shine. I forgive you for forgetting who you are. I forgive you for needing reminders. Look at your daughters those beautiful kind little girls. They are who you are they mirror your image. They get their kindness, intelligence and inner beauty from you. That didn’t come from an ugly person that came from the mother who nurtured and grew them inside. That came from their mother who reads and sings to them at night. They are kind and gentle. They are helpful and sweet. They put others ahead of themselves and they stand up for what they believe in and they stay true to their word or you hold them to it because that’s who you are raising. That’s who they deserve to be. You are me and they are you.

I forgive you for dulling your shine.

I forgive you for letting the ugly anger take over from time to time.

I forgive you for your learning process and I forgive the anger you bury deep down inside.

It has to come out to be let go and I forgive you for letting it go….

let it go. Forgive yourself. Move on and move forward. He can not have your future. He can not have you anymore. Stop letting him steal you and change who you truly are inside.

Beautiful.

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