I may have written this one before but it’s a constant battle.
A daily struggle.
I try my best to be the victor but sometimes my demons win and I succumb to the negativity that breeds from within.
I try my best to change the voice. I smile and I live life on repeat, I will not fail, this is my voice and my story to tell.
And yet sometimes that negative voice it’s begins to yell…
You are not worthy.
You are not enough.
You are fat.
You are lazy.
Who’s going to want you now.
You are so hard to please.
No one really loves you, you disgusting free-loading cow.
They hate you. I would hate me too.
Fake smiles and knives in my back.
No one really cares to help carry my pack.
Some days I feel like Cinderella.
Not when she finds her prince and lives happily ever after, no.
That moment when she had everything she works so hard to accomplish to look beautiful and glow, ripped from her chest and destroyed by the jealousy and bitterness they bestowed.
Hopeless and all alone.
I live in the real world. There is no fairy god mother no pumpkin coach to take me to the ball. No night off from chores or some Prince Charming to sweep me away.
This is real life and sometimes life just knocks me down. The go go go, the no no no, the just go with the flow sometimes comes to a very aggressive stop and I have to wonder if anyone ever sees me.
If anyone ever hears me.
I feel like the only one who puts in effort. I want my world to be happy. I want to get along with all those in my family, even those I didn’t chose to be in my family. Still they are in my life and less tension the better but it gets so exhausting being the only one to put forth that effort….
I don’t think anyone would really notice if I just stopped.
Stopped doing what I do. Stopped reaching out. Stop trying to do everything that I do.
Some days I just want to disappear from the world and be left alone. Not have to smile. Not have to please everyone else. Not feel so worthless or that my efforts don’t matter. Just disappear and not have to worry about anyone but me.
These feelings are scary. I don’t want to slip. I don’t want to fall. I’ve been down that dark alley and it’s something I never want to recall.
I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how not to feel it at all. That tiny little voice that says the world is a better place, you mean nothing at all.
You’re not allowed to admit it. You’re not allowed to call out for help. Attention seeking behavior is what everyone will see. Stop being so dramatic. Someone else has it worse. Nothing is ever that bad to be so very very sad.
Something is wrong. I just can’t explain it. I feel the darkness. It’s suffocating and hard to breathe. There is nothing left to see. It’s all coming down on me and I feel as if I am drowning…
He wants to help. He wants to see me. He wants to take care of me. He wants just me.
He can’t have me. Everyone leaves. He will get tired of this plight I have fighting to be in the light. I can’t get my hopes up he must be just like all the rest. Trying to give me his best but with little to no rest everyone fails at this test.
I’m exhausted and weak. Tired of overthinking. Tired of trying to do it all. Can’t let anyone help. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to be told I am just not enough. They hate me and will never let me just be me. And why can’t I ever truly see that what they think of me shouldn’t really matter to me… but it does.