Life as I know it…

My 6 year old drew her family for a school project. I purposely didn’t give her any direction other than to draw her family and make sure to write everyone’s names above their picture…

She has no thought as to what children belong to whom or what adults are together… she just sees her family….

This strange new family that has changed so much from the nuclear family she has always known. That I’ve always known.

She is adjusting. We all are. In our own way.

Lots of adjustments over the past year….

When Jerry and I first separated, I had this fantasy of an idea that the reason we didn’t work was because we needed to find ourselves and miss each other in order to appreciate each other. Respect each other. That some how time apart would make us realize how much we were meant to be together…

That did not turn out how I thought it would.

I had to come to the realization that he was not the man I so desperately wanted him to be and he never would be.

I had to adjust my sails.

So I adjusted my way of thinking when I saw something like this….

I thought… okay so maybe we weren’t meant to be together. Maybe we weren’t meant to be the ones who beat those odds, but there are other odds we can still beat together….

I met a group of people on vacation in Mexico who were on vacation with their co-parents. Their children grown and with some of their own but the people who once hated each other were now all best friends who even vacationed together.

I wanted to be those co-parents. The ones who were happy. Who were friends. Who maybe someday could go on vacation together…

Things started getting better. I tried to pretend that we could all be that way. That damage wasn’t done and I could fix this broken relationship once again…

I’ve always been under the impression that I could do anything I set my mind to if I worked hard enough and had enough determination.

But once again…

I failed.

I am NOT enough. I can’t work hard enough for two. I can’t have enough determination for two.

A relationship, romantic or not, takes two people and without both parties being on the same page and willing to put in the work, it just will not happen.

No matter how hard I will something to be, it just can’t be. Just like he will never be the man for me, he can’t be the coparent I want him to be. The coparent I needed him to be.

There is no adjusting these sails. The water is coarse and deadly. There is no win for me here. It doesn’t matter what I do. I can’t fix him and he certainly can not fix me. I have to understand that he will never appreciate me like I wanted him to. He will never treat me respectfully like I wanted him to. He will never ever be who I wanted him to be. Who I needed him to be.

And that’s okay. Because I’ve found someone new who loves me unconditionally. Some one who actually sees me. Sometimes he may psychoanalyze me and my actions and see me a little better than I want him to but he sees the real me. Someone who appreciates me for all that I am. The stubborn, hard headed not going to let you win side of me… he even loves that part of me. He is reliable and trusting and willing to do just about anything. He shares the work with me and understands that it’s not a balanced list of tasks but sometimes he is better at doing certain things and I am better at taking care of other things…. he doesn’t keep score. He is not constantly telling me I need to do more. He loves me straight through to my core and helps me shine even when I’m feeling extremely dark and gloomy…

I guess I do have a new family, something I never thought would ever happen.

I am so thankful for you and for the light that you bring to my life ❤️

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