….

I am not an overly religious person.

Some days I’m not even sure if I am a religious person at all…

I think I believe in a higher power…

I overthink and get overwhelmed by the grand scale and complexity of it all. There has to be some sort of rhyme or reason for why we go through what we go through, right?

There has to be some sort of mastermind who is orchestrating the lessons we are lead to and through in this life, right?

We can’t just be all alone. Our lives left to chance with no real purpose or destiny but to live, breed and die.

I have so much going on in my life right now I can’t even begin to process the tiny bits and pieces that overwhelm and consume me with anxiety. I understand the big picture. I understand the direction I must go. But I am left frozen and unable to move until I am able to process the tiny insignificant details of everything going on in my life for which I have no understanding of why.

I have hit a wall, a snag, a plateau and I am left with no where else to go but inside. Inside my own head. Inside my own soul. “Turtle” is the way I must go because my shell is hard and protective and even if the enemy is at my entrance knocking there is no way for them to get in…

but there is no moving forward when you are hunkered down with your battle shields up…

there is offensive moves when the only defense you have is to regress and over stress about what’s got you down…

Today I am a turtle in the middle of the road. I am hunkered down in danger of being drown by the hurricane hitting the shore, the cars rushing to leave the danger zone and the hungry animals standing by waiting for me to poke my head out or move so they can claim their prey.

Today there is no sunshine. There is no easy way for me to go. Every battle I face is a losing one and I don’t have enough strength to carry my own weight…

Today I am compartmentalizing, coping the only way I know how. Setting aside anything other than what is needed in this specific point in time, necessary to survive and get through to the next moment and keep not only me but my patients alive. Because others rely on me to keep it together. There are lives that depend on the decisions that I make to protect and keep them safe. My patients and my children…

today I told my patient who was overwhelmed by the loss of a child, life events and her own deteriorating health this:

“they say that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle but that’s not true at all… God gives us a great plethora of shit for us to handle and expects us to cast it all on him because he doesn’t give us more than what HE can handle”

She started crying and I hugged her and gave her some tissue as my coworker asked if I wanted to take my break…

Yes. Yes this was a good time for a break. I decide to get comfort food and to spend my break in the chapel as sometimes I do when I’m overwhelmed and I need a quiet place to think. Where no one will question me, nurse assess me or overwhelm me with chatter I really don’t have the energy for.

It’s soothing in here. The dull hum of the air conditioning filling the dead space and creating white noise. The stain glass windows casting a comforting glow into the empty room… in here I don’t feel alone. I don’t feel weak, stupid or insecure about silly insignificant things. In here it’s just me and my thoughts and the idea that maybe someone is giving me a warm hug from up above… I don’t pray. I just think. I just feel. And I feel calm.

The buzz of my phone is silent. No one texting and asking a million questions…

I went to the bathroom before coming in here and as I’m washing my hands one of the hospital chaplains walk in…. do I believe in signs? I really can’t process that question at the moment but if I do… it has to be one right?

That maybe I have someone on my side orchestrating a plan. Something I don’t have to figure out by myself carried out by those who care about me the most…

today I have had so many people in my corner. It’s overwhelming and it makes me feel like I’m a child in a busy room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me, no one can see me. I’m use to doing it all alone, but somehow the control that maybe was really never in my own hands had been taken from me and at first it feels awkward and my instinct is to fight it… but maybe my sign is that I need to let them help me…

Maybe my people are the car that pulled over on the side of the road to help a turtle cross the dangerous road into the path of safety because maybe they can see the sun starting to peak that I can’t because I’m inside my shell, hiding and protecting instead of moving forward to safety.

Well… my way hasn’t been working. I guess it’s time to let someone else take care of me for a change.

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