I love you.
I love you so much sometimes it hurts.
It hurts when we’re apart and your mind wanders wondering what I could be doing wrong.
It hurts when you question my feelings for someone who is so very long gone.
It hurts to know that at any moment you could change your mind and just walk away.
It hurts knowing that we are not okay.
It hurts that you’re always ready for a fight.
It hurts that I feel like something is not right.
I don’t know what I did to make you question me. I don’t know what I said to make you doubt me. I don’t know why all of me is not good enough, why you insist on making all of this stuff so tough.
I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know how much more of me I could give to you because I’ve already handed over all the broken pieces of me, laid out for you to see. This is me. Can’t you see how great we should be.
If you could only understand my insecurities. I want to share our life. Someday I do want to be your wife but I have these demons I continue to fight. It’s not something that I like. It’s not something that I enjoy, I do not like feeling this way or the things that you say like you’re just ready to walk away.
You need to understand. Some days I’m doing all that I can just to hold it all together. And something as light as a feather could push me over and send everything I carry tumbling down.
I love when you’re around. You make me feel strong. You make me feel happy. I don’t mean to be all kinds of sappy but we fit together so well it’s scary.
It scares me because I don’t want to rely on another person to make me happy. I don’t want to NEED another person so completely it makes me feel needy. I don’t want a codependent relationship. I want to be me and not feel the need to give up all of me. I want to feel free to express my negative thoughts and feelings without feeling trapped by your significant wrath.
I don’t want to fail. I’ve failed before. I’m cautious and I’m nearing the door because I can’t shake this feeling in my core that you will be some one who will always need more. I don’t know if I have more. I’ve given all that I am and there’s nothing left so here I stand.
Standing alone. In the middle of the storm that maybe I created. Maybe I control all the demons that torment me and somehow I feel I deserve them. Maybe it’s just easier being alone and only having to worry about the pain I inflict on myself because at least then I’m the one who holds the power. I’m the one who reassures myself instead of making me even more insecure when you can’t understand the process of my thoughts from all the past pain inflicted from getting too close and letting them all in. From loving too much. Caring too much. Doing too much. Losing too much.
I am just too much.