Overflow unloaded…

It’s been a while since I’ve written… so of course here I am at 4AM unable to shut my mind off when I have to be up in just 2 short hours for a 12 hour shift in the ER đŸ˜’

My conclusion is that sometimes even when life seems to be going just right my mind get so full up that it just can’t shut down even when I close my eyes so tight and try with all my might… 

so here is my overflow unload… 

random things that perplex my mind and keep me wondering if I’ll ever be the kind who never worries or wonders who just simply sits back and let’s life happen the way it’s suppose to… 

Unable to organize a single thought, so many come out it’s hard to sift through all of the fog and understand what’s truly vexing my mind keeping it spinning and turning about…

Abuse. It’s easy to see. There are bruises and wounds clear as can be. I would never be a weak woman who could ever let someone batter or break my spirit down to something so meek and unrecognizable. Who could ever lose touch with the one who was eager to seek, finding strength in everything around, curious and proud. I deserved the punishment that I had found for looking all around… did the chicken come first or was it the egg? Who started all of this angry hate? Does it really even matter? But if I don’t find out how will I ever end all of this chatter inside of my head to figure it out and end the cycle of emotional batter that drains my soul, breaks my heart and makes me question where to even start… spinning round and round on the merry-go-round I don’t want another turn on this carousel so down did I tumble, down will I fall until this deep darkness is cast out of my light… I don’t want to spend another sleepless night wondering if I’ll end up in the same pattern as before, if it was me that was to blame for all that went wrong. I can’t take all the fame for being this lame and what if it truly was me who ruined his spirit and not the other way around… 

Do I really deserve another who holds on so tight who refuses to fight. Who is kind and loving and treats me just right. Who accepts me for me and loves all four of my littles and is as close to perfect as perfect can be? 

I was okay by myself. I was doing alright. Why did you have to come and treat me so right. How did you break down my walls with one mighty swing you broke right through without even paying your dues. You haven’t had to dodge my attacks for getting too close or face the gauntlet of my emotions…

I overthink. I over analyze. I try to shut it all down but inside it still spins round and round… 

what does this mean. How does this change who or what I could be. If my plans change is it because I’m bending to what someone else wants from me or because it’s truly me… this is why I was okay with simply just me but he is everything I ever wanted to be, he brings out the best in me. I didn’t really know that truly exsisted until all his little OCD wishes got into my head and it’s too early for bed when there are 50 things I could do instead!! I still carry my pride and never let him help me with anything on my plate because I don’t want to NEED him but that’s something I hide… I not only need him I want him in my life… but he scares me like nothing ever has, I’ve always felt like I’d figure it out all on my own because hell, I’m freaking grown but I enjoy the lessons he teaches and his gentle words reach deep down inside me and make me believe that maybe true love is something that truly exists and not something of fairy tales like I previously had to admit… 

my fairy tale broken, my pride bruised and torn apart just like my frail little heart… I don’t want the start of another fairy tale story and all of it’s glory… I want real. I want true. I want everything     You. I don’t question you or where this could all go… I question me and if I’m worthy and if I’ll survive another piece of my heart broken if you ever change your mind… 

Please don’t ever change your mind. 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s