Dazed and confused 

Caution the following blog may not be suitable for all audiences…. viewer discretion is advised.

Laying here next to a man who has completely set my world on fire and I have no idea how to handle it.

I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I knew how I felt. I thought I had my life all planned out.  I thought I was okay with being alone and just living for my girls.

I never thought my life would end up as a series of clichés but here I sit realizing that love has found me when I wasn’t looking for it, with the least expected person and in the middle of my mess… well at least more toward the end of my mess… or who knows I’m always a mess… organized chaos that’s the life I live, looks like a mess from the outside but I always know exactly what I’m doing even if I’m no longer on plan A…B…or sometimes even C!!

The last 9 months have been a tremendous growth process and at times the growing pains were unbearable. My perspective has changed multiple times and right when I think I have a handle on this new life, it throws me a curve ball….

tonight I lay here listening to Mike snore and the old me would have smothered Jerry with a pillow, kicked him in the side or plugged his nose until the lack of oxygen made him roll over into a better position and cease the offensive sound coming from his airway…. but tonight… or rather this morning since it’s 4am I lay here appreciating the sound of Mike sleeping so soundly, thankful to have such a wonderful man laying next to me. Someone I have no idea what I did to deserve such a perfectly imperfect man who has chosen me to love.

It seems too fast. Can all of this seriously be real. How does someone come into my life and in a matter of meticulously planned moments by someone up above, all of a sudden become so important to me that imagining life without him by my side seems painfully impossible. How is he able to see me, understand me and calm me better than someone I spent half my life with. How does he just walk into my life and so effortlessly is everything I never knew I needed…. or even wanted.

How is any of this possible?

I didn’t understand how Jerry could move on so quickly when he met Jaclyn. How all of a sudden a girl who just walked into his life could be more important than me. How was she better than me? What did she have that I didn’t? How was he treating her with such respect and protection already after only a few weeks when I had been begging for that kind of consideration all of our life together.

I didn’t understand why we couldn’t remain friends… I mean that’s what’s best for the kids right? Wrong…. I was so wrong. I mean I had a few things right. We need to treat each other respectfully. We need to get along well enough to enjoy special milestones together, birthdays, graduations, school events, etc…. but we do not need to be friends. We don’t need to hang out, outside of what we need to do for our daughters. We no longer need to share our lives together. We don’t need to vent about our day or share excitements of life with each other because that is no longer our role in each other’s lives.

I didn’t understand this. Not until I was faced with finding my own role in a new relationship. Finding where I fit with this new person in my life who means so much to me in a matter of weeks. Someone who clicks and fits right into place in my life and if my ex is holding onto a spot in my heart how will I ever be able to welcome my new love in.

I was wrong when I said I will always love him. I don’t think I really knew what love was until Mike stumbled back into my life.  I’ve never been so selfless in all my life, except maybe with my girls and even with them I need my mommy space from time to time. I want to take care of him. I want to make him happy. I want to join our lives together and see our children grow together. I want to know every aspect of who he is. Every moment spent with him is a pleasant surprise of something new that I adore about him. He doesn’t take advantage of my giving nature and is even more giving in return.

I love that we try to watch a movie and end up 5 hours later turning it off without even pressing play because our conversation was so intellectually stimulating that watching mind numbing TV would have only wasted our day together…. I respect him in a way I’ve never respected anyone before. He has so many thoughts and ideas that I never thought about before. He is challenging and kind. He lets me be stubborn but doesn’t always give me my way…

our daughters are so similar and it’s because they are our little duplicates. Things have fallen into place like I’ve never thought they could. I always thought there would be at least one thing I wouldn’t like about the person I would end up with or I would end up alone not willing to settle for mediocre when I could reach for the stars at my very own finger tips all on my own, but he makes me better… he shares the same aspirations and goals as me. He is headed in the same direction as me so being with him is not a compromise.

We don’t complete each other because who would want a half of a whole anyway but we perfectly compliment each other’s whole making us stronger and more unstoppable than ever before. Is that what love is? I’m not 100% sure because I’ve never felt this before but I’m pretty darn sure that I have found what I couldn’t describe was missing before. How is it possible to live your whole life with someone and never feel like your soul is on fire, how did I live before without feeling so alive to the depths of my core…. always wanting more and being chastised for wanting to be better and do better when now he just lets me explore our full potential of more.

Excited to see where life will lead. I don’t feel in a rush but everything feels right and we are going at a pace that feels natural to us and our girls so what others have to say is irrelevant, they aren’t in our life. They don’t feel what we feel, see what we see or hear the glorious giggles of our girls when they ask about each other because I think even they feel that what was missing from our families were all of each other.

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