Toxic

I started my day energized and motivated ready to take on the world and conquer some projects I had been putting off… 

Today I am reminded of how I lived my life before with all of my energy sucked and drained away from me… 

How could I ever be happy when the full capacity of my life force was spent on trying to make you happy… there was nothing left for me. I lost me because I was so consumed by you. 

I made mistakes. I wasn’t perfect. I take full  responsibility for the things that I did. The things that I said. The person I had become. But I’ve already said that. The whole world knows how a black and darken heart lived inside my soul. I’ve already written that story and I’m totally done with all of that. I won’t go back. 

I’m done taking the blame and letting you call me horrible names. When is enough ever enough?  When will my punishment be over? When will you see me for me and realize your pain has nothing to do with me. How many more times do you need to attack and criticize me, tearing me down so that I don’t even like me? 

You were never proud of me. You never loved me. You never did things for just me. They were all for the world to see and I could never be better than you, I could never love you more than you loved me. “I love you more” was not a term of endearment it was a reminder that you would always be better than me, stronger than me, more loving than me. It was said with a sting  and a shot straight to the heart. 

You want to open this can of hurt. Fine let’s do this. You wanted the world to know how horrible I am, done. The blog was written in January. Please all go read what a miserable wife I was with “confessions of my black heart”. I took 100% of the blame but still it’s not enough. I haven’t been beaten or burned quite bad enough for you to feel better so come on Jerry tell me how to do it better. 

When will you finally see that the pain you are feeling is not caused by me. You lost me because of all of your anger and your inability to forgive and refusing to just love me for me. What more of a price do we have to pay for you to finally realize that the only one who can control your happiness is you. When will you stop blaming everyone else and grow the fuck up. 

I know that I’ve said all of this before in text and I know that you hate my blogs but I am going to write it over and over until what I said gets into your stubborn freaking head. And maybe there are others out there who can learn the lessons we deplore, because what is life if it’s not about connecting and sharing our experiences with those around us. 

I don’t say this to tear you down. I don’t have vengeance or ulterior motives to simply make you frown. This is not a game. I love you. I will always love you. I will always care about you and want you to do better, to be better and see better because I see you. I see how good you can be. I see the heart you hide inside weighing it down with heavy chains and darkness you hold onto. You’re infected with hate and it poisons every relationship you make.

 Please let me reach out to you. Please understand that I just want you to take my hand because there is such a beautiful world beyond the dark and scary place that we lived in. Please come with me and leave all of that behind because our daughters deserve two parents who are happy and kind. 

Let it go and learn to love you. You are kind. You are worthy. You are strong. You are not your father. You are not your mother. You are better than them and you have the strength to break the cycle but you have to stop hating yourself. You made mistakes. You did the wrong thing. You broke promises and said all the wrong things. You held onto hate and sealed our fate but who fucking cares. We were simply children. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. That’s where you start. That’s where your job begins and the misery ends. 

You can hate me. You can never forgive me. You can never love me for me. But Jerry, that doesn’t hurt me that only destroys you and puts a barrier between you and your daughters and ultimately hurts them too. 

I’m sorry I don’t want to be with you. I’m sorry I still love you. I’m sorry you can’t wrap it around your head that both can be true but we have four little girls who look up to me and you. They won’t be little for long and the time to show them how to be strong is right now so figure it out quickly before time is up and they learn for themselves they too can be happy without you. 

Love conquers ALL. That’s all that you need. Love your enemy even if the enemy is me. I don’t need you to love me because I love me, but our daughters need you to. That’s why I love you, even with some of the shitty things that you say I still love you for you because they need me to. They need to see unconditional selfless love and that begins with me and you. 

Love is the antidote for the hate you breed inside, let it flow freely and cure your toxic mind because Jerry you’re so much better than what I find standing before me at this point in time. 

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