I thought you were different. I thought you were the one, not like some fairy tale come to swoop me off my feet or knight in shining armor here to rescue me. I don’t need any of that, I like my feet planted sturdy on the ground and no one needs to rescue me but me. I thought you were strong enough to eventually love me. To see me. To handle me. To not try to control me. To not try to rush me or judge me. To see the real me.
It’s funny that I have so many friends who love me and care for me but there is no man out there who could adore me for me. I’m too strong. I’m too independent. I won’t make decisions based on if you’re going to stick around or not. A man who is strong enough to love me knows I would never ask you to take on all that I do. I never did. I never will. I would never changed you or demand all of you. I respect you and I expect you to stay true to you, but I also expect that same respect.
It’s not funny when you ignore me. It’s not funny when you refuse to have a serious conversation. It’s not disrespectful or “shitty” when I call you out on all of this. I realize I scare you. You scare me. I could see a future with you, not that I am ready but I could be.
Not to sound cliche, but you just simply can’t handle the truth. The truth that you like me more than you’re comfortable to admit. The truth that you’re not ready to commit. The truth that I’m the kind of girl that could get you to submit, but I don’t want a fucking puppet and you’re not use to a girl who doesn’t try to control you. Who is okay with just you.
I don’t need fancy dates or expensive gifts or more of your time than your willing to give. I don’t need to steal your attention or take you away from your own life. I’m happy with a Friday night in. I’m happy when you hold my hand or play with my hair. I’m happy when you show me that you care. I’m even happier when I notice your stare. I never wanted to see that look in another mans eyes. I thought I would for sure run for the hills if I ever saw it again. But I liked seeing it in your eyes it made me feel warm inside.
I’m not a thief. Your heart is safe with me. Stop projecting on me. I won’t chase or beg for it. If I’m the right girl for you, you’ll give it to me willfully.
I’m giving up my pride and I’m laying it all on the line because damn it I don’t want to marry you I just wanted to freaking date you.
Dating me doesn’t mean you have to help me. I have plenty of friends who are more than willing to help me with the things that I need. Dating me doesn’t mean you have to try to be a dad to my kids, they have one already, a pretty great one in fact who could never be replaced. Dating me doesn’t mean you have to be there for me every second of every day. Dating me doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself or take time away from your kids. Dating me doesn’t mean you have to be distracted or change your own plans because of me. Dating me doesn’t mean you have to fix my problems, a simple “I’m sorry you had a rough day” would have been plenty to send me a smile from ear to ear but apparently you don’t have time to send me a simple cheer.
I’m so conflicted with who I see when I look at you and who you’ve turned out to be. You’re not who I thought you were and mostly I’m a pretty good judge of character so I’m baffled and have no idea what your problem is because I did nothing wrong but open my home and heart to two adorable little babies who need me more than I need a non-boyfriend boyfriend. I don’t understand why you have to rush to end this and make it out to be more than it should be when I was enjoying taking things slow and not playing mind games. A mature relationship with honesty and respect. Two people who have very different busy lives. Who are their own person but who want to spend time together. Neither quite ready to mesh together all that we are but knowing we could go pretty far. I know you enjoyed spending time with me too. The only thing that makes sense is that you’ve found someone new. Someone easier. Someone simpler. Someone you can walk all over and who won’t challenge you. That seems to be what boys like to do.
I’m sorry I’m not sorry. I demand respect. I demand someone who wants to be there for me. Someone who actually cares about someone other than themself. It’s okay to be selfish from time to time. It’s okay to focus on you and your kids. But sometimes the best way to find out about you is through doing something for someone else and not focusing on you. Someone who is right for me will also live their life with this theory.
Life isn’t meant to be selfish. It’s not meant to be lived for ourselves. The meaning of life is about connecting with other people. Caring about other people. Giving not receiving. Yes, you need to take care of yourself before you can help anyone else, but what I figured out is that I help myself by helping others. It feels good not being selfish and greedy. My children get to see that giving is better than receiving and they learn to live a life that is not greedy and to give to the less fortunate and needy.
Logically I know this is not the time for dating. Logically I know you are not right for me. Logically I know that this was just another lesson and I am exactly where I am suppose to be. Logically I know that what’s meant to be will always come to be without pushing and shoving. Logically I know I’m pretty fucking great and anyone would be lucky enough to earn love from me. But the heart is not logical and she hasn’t got the memo that I don’t have time to be sad. I don’t have time for heart break and I don’t have time to break down and cry because I do have a lot on my plate and you just added one more thing for me to work through. One more issue of abandonment. One more issue of rejection. One more issue of questioning what the fuck did I do? But this time, this time it’s true…. it wasn’t me, this time it’s all on you.