Running on empty… #changethevoice

I’m a mom. It’s my job to make sure my girls have their bellies, hearts and minds filled with good vibes and healthy things… 

I’m a nurse. It’s my job to make sure my patients have everything they need. Call light within reach. Pillows fluffed. Blankets warmed. IV’s complete. Meds given as ordered. Doctors updated. Families informed. Charts filled out and forms all neat. I save lives but I’m always on my feet and I rarely ever sit to eat… sometimes my only retreat is taking a seat on the disgusting floor of our locker room behind the door where I can have a quiet moment to think… 

This has been a rough week. I did it to myself. Last week 50 hours, this week 64. I’m running on caffeine, carbs and pure stubborn drive. Tell me I can’t do it all and I’ll show you more. I am exhausted all day but the second I hit the pillow I’m tallying the score keeping track of all I’ve done before and everything that’s in store for tomorrow. 

I have spoons full of frosting and water bottles spilled to the floor from littles left to their own devices when sister is left in charge. I have bruised shins, sore ribs and shoulders that couldn’t lift a brick from CPR done with knees on the bedside. I’ve eaten like shit and slept with feet jabbed in my side… and yet still I thrive… still I survive… even if it’s only after I’ve cried… 

I’m running on empty… an empty stomach… an empty mind… muscle memory is totally a thing… sometimes I just feel hollow inside… like the world around me is moving so fast I’ll never catch up. I know it’s important to slow things down and just relax, appreciate the little things in life and there is always time for that. But this week was a running on empty week, not a slow down and smell the roses week. 

I’m really good at giving people what they need. I’m really good at seeing others perspective and telling them to slow down, it will all be okay Rome wasn’t built in a day… I’m really good at reading people and making them feel whole, a bright smile, a warm embrace, an ear to vent to, a shoulder to cry on  whatever they need I’m there!!! 

What I’m not really good at is doing that for myself. Or realize when people are showing me that they care. I don’t read between the lines or listen to actions like I should, I have to be told flat out. I NEED words of affirmation. My love language is not physical touch, that may be fun for sure but it’s not something I desperately need. It’s not quality time, I can go weeks without seeing a person if you keep in touch. My love language is not gifts or acts of service although I truly appreciate both and it’s always nice from time to time to have a special surprise but it’s not what I crave, it’s not what I NEED to fill my love tank. My love language is words of affirmation… tell me I’m pretty. Tell me I’m smart. Tell me I’m amazing. Tell me you like the way I scrunch my nose or appreciate how hard I work. Tell me you adore how I adore my daughters or like when I wear my hair in curls… you can’t show me I need to hear it. It’s fucked up and I don’t understand it… but it’s my primary love language. 

The voice in my head is not very kind. I need help telling it to shut the fuck up. I need more than my own voice I need verbal affirmation that I’m not as horrible as the voice in my head would lead me to believe. She tells me I’m ugly. She tells me that I’m sad. She tells me I’m so fucking needy, it’s really quite pathetic. She tells me I’m lazy and that I need to do more. She tells me that no one will ever love me for the me at my core. She tells me I’m too broken and that I’m not worth it anymore. She tells me I have nothing to offer and that I have too much baggage to carry that no one would ever want to remarry this fucking whore. She tells me I’m worthless and that my aspirations are stupid. She tells me that I work too much and that I’m a bad mom. She tells me that I don’t deserve to be happy and pain is all I ever inflict on those who get close to me. She tells me I am not worthy. She tells me I’m not worth the fight… 

she is a fucking liar. 

We all have this inner voice inside. It’s not who we are. It’s not the truth. It’s not our own voice that we hear… 

We are born into this world thinking. Nothing but the truth. The little one year old who learns how to walk, steady and stable… her voice tells her “you are strong and able, you can do this” that little toddler who is strong and brave climbing up onto things with no fear of getting hurt… that preschooler in the back seat singing so loudly out of tune she doesn’t even think about how she sounds…. my school age and certainly middle school we have this inner monologue that isn’t our own… it’s everyone who told us no… it’s everyone who told us we couldn’t do something or squashed our childhood dreams. It’s someone’s else insecurities telling us to shut up we are singing off key… it’s not our own voice anymore it’s every one else who we let get into our head… into our hearts… so we are no longer that self loving little child anymore but the dark cruel world of self hate and we discriminate against ourselves and tear it down in others…

I’m running on empty because I see what other people need so I give them some of me. I try to be everything for everyone and sometimes I forget to leave a little for me. To be kind to myself. To be forgiving. To love me and appreciate me. To stop being so needy and just fill me…. 

today I’m going to do something for me… something out of the ordinary… something people probably won’t like. Something not too professional or classy and maybe something some would even call trashy… but today, today I’m going to tell them to shut the fuck up because I’m going to fill me up and just do me!! Love me or leave me, but please don’t try to squash me because I already do enough of that on my own… 

coming soon…. #myhairdontcare 

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