In honor of Valentine’s Day I thought I would write about the frustrations that come with co-parenting and loving someone who doesn’t give a damn about you…
I hate who you’ve become. I hate who you always were. I hate that I can’t count on you and that you never think about anyone but yourself. I hate that you’re immature and bring out the worst in me. I hate that you never cared and continue to prove it over and over. I hate that it’s alway up to me to be the bigger person, to be kind and caring. I hate that sometimes I am small and petty toward you. I hate your stupid face and your ridiculous comb over hair. I hate your stupid expensive clothes that could have been items for our girls. I hate everything you “fixed” all going to shit. I hate that you throw it in my face that I have the house or that I wanted it this way.
I never fucking wanted my life to end up this way. No one wants to be a single mother of four with a selfish only there dad. No one wants to struggle and be on their own. No one wants to be seen as the strong one so that no one comes along to say, “hey I see that you’re struggling let me help you”. No one wants to do it all alone. No one wants this, but it is what it is and you are who you are. I just have to fucking deal with it.
I hate that you can never take responsibility and just blame it on my hormones. I hate that I have to remind you to do things and you still forget. Pick up the damn prescription, figure out why their insurance isn’t active and remember their fucking gloves!!! It’s really not that difficult to think of someone else. I hate that you suck with money and that someone else is picking up your slack. I hate that you always have help, you’re always enabled.
I hate that I don’t hate you and that I really truly appreciate you. I hate that I think of you when I’m packing left overs and my heart wants to send some home with you. I hate that I care about you and want you to succeed. I hate that I continue to do it all and you’re the one who gets the credit. You’re the great dad because you show up and take your time, I should feel lucky my girls have a dad involved in their life… or this is what I’m told. I hate that I’m the psycho bitch who exploded because you can’t remember their fucking gloves. ITS NOT ABOUT THE GOD DAMN GLOVES!!! I hate that I’m unreasonable because I demand more. I hate that I expect more…I hate that I have any expectations of you. I hate that I see the best in you and the potential of how good you could be. I hate that I thought you would be better without me, without me doing everything for you. I hate that you just found a replacement and are still lazy and thoughtless but mostly I hate that I ever thought you could be different. I hate that I never let anyone see this and that everyone thinks you’re so great. I hate that you can’t be that better man that I know you can be but refuse to be.
I hate that I hate you but mostly I hate that I’ll always love you and care about you because that’s how fucking stupid I am. I hate that you ruined me and that I can never accept any help from anyone because you’ll use it against me. I hate who I am because of you: that I can never trust anyone else to get anything done. That I don’t believe people actually care about me and that I have to earn their love like I had to with you. I hate that one wrong step and I’m the horrible one. I hate that everyone is just like you selfish and put no effort in. I hate that I’ll always be alone and that I sound really fucking whiny and insignificant hating someone I love.
Disclaimer: you can love someone without wanting to be with that person romantically. I never want him back, clearly I hate what he brings out in me. Toxic love is a horrible thing that destroys the people who hold onto it like a granade.