Finding Control in the most unlikely way… 

Funny thing about control, the more you fight to obtain it the harder it is to actually hold onto…

my life has never been the most stable so psychology tells me this is where my need for control in all aspects of my life stems from, but the harder I try to control a situation or the people in my life the more I spiral out of control…

so what I have finally learned at 30 years old is that the key to having control in your life is totally letting go of the idea of control itself…

The secret is the only thing you can control is your own attitude. A wise person once said life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.

We get to make choices, we get to have the illusion of control in our own lives but unless you have mastered mind control and manipulation you can never control another person, I mean who would want to anyway??

I’ve had what I thought was control of every aspect of my life since I was very young. I’m stubborn and I’m hard headed. I have to do things on my own. I have to make my own mistakes and generally have to make them at least twice just to make sure. I have lived with a lot of anxiety that not a lot of people see. Constantly second guessing me and questioning everything instead of just living my life and letting it be. It had made me aggressive and gave me a way of thinking that my way was the only right way, that no one could do things better than me. Especially with my children.

I’ve learned that instead of communicating aggressively like I had done previously which was inevitably met with resistance and resentment that the better way to communicate what I need from people is through assertively communicating it and what I will and won’t tolerate.

I’ve also learned to pick my battles, although I’m still working on learning which are right and which are wrong.

I’ve evaluated what’s most important to me and where my priorities lie. When I start to feel that red face impulsive knee jerk I’m going to obliterate whomever tries to cross me feeling I take a deep breath and ask myself a few simple questions:

1. Why does this bother me?

2. How does this affect me directly?

3. Am I reacting out of intention or out of emotion?

4. Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?

5. Is my response in alignment with who I want to be, who I want my daughters to see?

6. Where is the offending action/comment coming from? Who are they to me? Do they matter to me? Is it coming from a place of malicious intention or out of their own emotional state? Can I put myself in their place?

More often than not I find that my emotions were starting to get the best of me and my anxieties were a creation of my own inner turmoils twisting and turning into a black cloud of anger and hate that infected my soul and turned me into someone I never want to be.

In these last 7 months I’ve done a lot of things wrong. I’ve been vindictive and mean. I was hurt and I wanted them to feel the pain they inflicted on me. I took things personally that had nothing to do with me. I tried to maintain the control I’ve always had over my family and what happens when it comes my daughters, an ill attempt to protect them from life’s greatest miseries and heart break but the truth is, I was trying to protect me… the hurt little girl inside of me.

I’ve let all of that go. I can’t control what decisions are made outside of my home. Even my children have to learn how to take their own control and it’s my job as a mother to help make sure they get it in small enough doses, reward them when they make the right decisions, console them when they get their hearts broken and hold them accountable for consequences when they make the wrong decisions… but I can not control two adults or try to teach them what I have learned. They have to make their own mistakes and go their own way… this is the mistake I made in my marriage…I didn’t have 4 children I had 5 or at least that’s how I treated him.

Frankly, if I were her I wouldn’t like me either. She reminds me so much of a younger me. A me who thought I could control things, barter and take ransome the things I knew people wanted in exchange for what I wanted from them.

I’m sorry, I’m not sorry. You’re part of my life  and as part of my life you are part of my blog. Like it or not. I understand that people are shallow and need to be involved so they like to spew chatter and jump to conclusions. In the past I have written out of anger and written out of spite. I make every effort to not write when I am angry because that is never the right intention. I don’t write this out of hate but you don’t get to choose my fate just as I have no control over yours.

My number one intention will always and forever come back to having happy and healthy children. Period. Part of their happiness lies with you. I don’t want to cause drama. I don’t want to cause tension. I want you and Jerry to succeed because if he is not happy it affects my daughters. I want you to love my babies. I want them to love you. I want very much to like you, to appreciate you. But I can not control you and you most certainly can not control me and the things that I do or say on any sort of platform.

I will continue to make every attempt to nurture a healthy relationship between Jerry and I. I will continue to write my blog as it comes on my heart. I will continue to do what I believe is the right thing to do and your reaction, well that’s up to you.

2 thoughts on “Finding Control in the most unlikely way… 

  1. hey Jess, just wanted to tell you that you are so inspirational to me. anytime I read your blogs no matter happy or sad my heart fills with love for you and yes I am addicted to them now. I love you and your heart and hope you always know how special you are<3

    Liked by 1 person

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