The death of a family…

I miss my family…

Jerry’s family…

I miss the frustrations and the annoying drama his sister creates. How I loved to just smile and roll my eyes as she blew something inextrodinary up into World War III. I miss that sister who despite the crazy rantings and desperate attempts for validation she was generous and kind and loves my littles  with everything she holds inside.

I miss the wild little boys running amuck and destroying things they shouldn’t touch. I miss the big strong hugs and chasing after them to steal the kisses that I smush on their cute little cheeks. How I love those boys with all that I am… they are my boys, my only boys. Smart and wise Aiden so handsome and calm. Messy Mason goofy and kind. Crazy Nash wild and all boy with giggles loud enough to fill everyone’s heart with joy.

I miss the understanding smiles of the brother in law who puts up with too much. His kind eyes, patient soul and sarcastic tone that I find comforting and at home with.

I miss the tired eyes of a woman who gives her all to everyone around her and worries if she is giving enough, who doesn’t realize she gives her all and holds that family together like glue. I miss her negative nagging and her judgemental stares all just her way of showing that she actually cares. I miss her awkward embrace always wondering if she is doing the right thing or if she is allowed to do what she does for the littles always walking on eggshells because she feels judged and misplaced but she doesn’t even realize she is the greatest and my biggest mistake was not appreciating her even more than I already did. Showing her how much I truly loved her for her not for what she did for my girls. I miss her as the only mom who was always there for me for whatever I may need.

I miss the family gatherings of extended family. Kids running all over. Someone offended. Someone judging. Someone crying and someone lying. I miss the giggles and groans and all the silly inside jokes. I miss helping clean the kitchen and the warm home made food. I miss the men watching football and the women gossiping over sugary treats while the children chase each other and grab food on the run while they laugh and play. I miss the arts and crafts and the redneck class. I miss being a part of all of that.

I miss my family. Divorce is not suppose to be a divorce of a family. My biggest fear was losing my people and my stability like I did over and over every time I had a new family as a child…

I want so desperately to continue to be a part of that family… I don’t understand why it has to be different… why after 15 years I get set aside as someone else is welcomed in with open arms so willingly and easily when I fought so hard to be accepted into that family. I guess the truth is that I never belonged… they never fully accepted me…

Advice for Jackie: play nice with the sister and you will never have to find another Mr. Because you think I’m overbearing and controlling… wait until you see the full rainbow of crazy you’re getting yourself into… but you learn to love them. They are pretty great. They’re all pretty crazy but aren’t we all to some extent. Take care of my boys, reassure my mom that everything is alright and she gets to break the rules because that’s just what grandma’s do, don’t take anything sister fisquena says personal, stay positive, dont feed the negativity and never share a secret you don’t want used against you, infusing any hate you have toward me because loyalty is wavering. appreciate the crazy and enjoy all the laughter. And keep your mouth quiet around the older buster brothers because that’s how women should be in their family, don’t make the same mistakes as me. The cousins are loud and so much fun, you want a loyal friend find the butcher wives by your side!! But ultimately just love them for all of their quirks and crazy because they are the best bunch I’ve ever met.

I’m happy that I do get to keep one set. Maybe the little less crazy of the whole family, who keep their distance but reach out for girl cousin playtime that I appreciate and crave so much. Love them.

Love them all. ❤️

2 thoughts on “The death of a family…

    1. Thank you Kristy! I try and sometimes I fail and have to try again but at the end of the day I never give up and always strive to do better, that’s all anyone can do. Thank you for reading and the encouragement!!

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