Stepping into love…

I’m not ever falling in love again…

Falling is painful, uncontrollable and unpredictable.

I am stepping into love and I’m starting with stepping into it with me.

In 14 days I go to Mexico and yesterday I took some pictures of myself trying my new bathing suits on and sent them to my travel buddy Sarah.


On initial review of these photos I saw, disgusting cellulite on my thighs, fat rolls on my hips, stretch marks on my bloated belly and sides, deflated squishy boobs that spilled over my suit, dark circles under my eyes and acne spots on my cheeks…  I also saw a mirror that needed to be cleaned all a bathroom that needed to be picked up!! All the list of things on my plate that I’ve failed to complete!!


Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we hold ourselves to someone else’s standard of beauty. Why must we all fit into the same box of beauty when we are all individually unique?


So I challenged myself to take my own advice and to truly believe that sexy comes in all shapes and sizes. Sexy is a feeling of confidence when you love yourself so deeply that everyone around you can’t help but be drawn to you.


So this is what I see when I look at photos of me…


I see a mom trying hard to be everything to her 4 beautiful daughters. To have fun and to show them that there is more to life than just chasing boys and that they are more than their mistakes. They deserve to be loved anyway.


I see a woman who sometimes goes to fast too far and hits a wall and has no energy left for fashion or things that need to be done…


I see tired eyes that are badges of glory after staying up too late with a FaceTime date, folding laundry or enjoying the company of good friends…

I see the mom my daughters adore…

I see my messy thrown up hair as an exchange for running out and about with my little and having some fun… 

I see a belly that has grown 5 children, 3 that were cut out of me, one that died inside of me and one who bravely made her way through the narrow canal and had the bruises on her angelic face as proof of her struggle of birth. 

That bloated belly is a price I pay for binge drinking with friends… 

That body that I love to hate has taken quite the beating with little nourishment as I push it to the limit with lack of sleep and crappy food to stay up all night caring for others who put themselves in harms way… 

I despise working out but it’s one way I can show myself love… trying to do better and do good things for me…

Spend time being goofy with my littles is another way I love me…

Surrounding myself with good people that are worthy of my loyalty and love…

Recognizing how far I’ve come, not just with my superficial appearance goals but with my emotional growth and love for myself…

I don’t fall into the typical category of beautiful with my 5’1″ non-athletic frame that is a little thicker in the middle… 

with breasts that have been sacrificed for all the nutrients for 4 beautiful healthy little girls… 

I adore comfy clothes…

And vegging out at home… 

I love my going out with friends…

and making snacks for my kids and their friends…

I deplor having to take those before pictures but it helps me See how far I’ve come… and I won’t give up trying to reach my body goals.

I’m a hot fucking mess… but I am beautifully me and I’m stepping into love with that crazy wild child angel who is loyal to a fault and gives it all she’s got, because beauty truly does run deeper than this skin that we are in and if I take the time to really see me like I say I want others to, I see a gorgeous girl with a heart of gold.

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