This is my continuous goal… to continue to search within me to find who I’ve always wanted to be not who I thought I should be.
This year will be the start of focusing on me and being all that I am destined to be. I want to work hard and succeed. Be the best mother I can be. Define my career goals and learn the balance between responsibilities and play. I want to live my life to the fullest and dream big.
My girls are my entire world but some day they will have lives of their own and I will be alone. I have to be happy with just little ole me. So dreams that I’m starting to see… some include my girls and some are just for me… I want to go white water rafting, sky diving, bungee jumping, i want to go hiking in some far away land with just a backpack and a book in my hand, I want to learn to snowboard and I want to learn to be alone with just me, I want to take them on a Disney cruise and travel the world, chloe to France and New York, lexi on an adventure to discover all the people in need all over the world, Jeri I suspect she will be much of the same wanting to devote her life to helping others and Kelsie going to all the places with big buildings and bright shining lights… I want to show them the world but also go by myself to learn to grow and to show them that it’s okay for you to go all alone.
I want to be kind and never fully make up my mind because shutting down all of the time is nothing but letting fear get the best of you and letting all those things that we hide win. I want to live without boundaries and know that if I get hurt I can lift myself back up again. I want to encourage and inspire all of those that conspire and desire someone to see them for who they really are. I want to be everything I am and not have to apologize for the untamed nature that I have exploding from within.
That’s not to say I won’t apologize or never will I sin but I won’t apologize for things that were not my intention or being taken all wrong. I’ll apologize for miscommunication or for the lack of a clear station of where I stand. I will be steady and strong but my branches will dance in the wind and go where ever I want to belong.
I will love with all that I am and know that I understand not everyone can handle who I am. But I don’t love them for them, I love them for me that is just exactly who I am. Caring and kind, I’m one of a kind. I deserve to be loved back but I won’t demand it or search for it high and low because the one who wants to know will come to show me that they want to be with me too. I’m falling in love. I love myself and I love my life. I love my friends and I love my family. I love this wild child angel inside that I forgot I had hidden for fear of being broken, for fear of the unspoken.
“I love this wild child angel inside that I forgot I had hidden….”
Being single is important to me. Because who I am is a people pleaser at my core. So it’s hard for me to know if what I’m doing is because someone else wants it from me or if it’s truly what I want… I’m easily manipulated and convince myself that what I want is what they want to, so being just me is who I really need to be at this point in time.
That’s not to say that there isn’t a guy who has caught my eye…
but for the time being it’s just a simple friendship. The most honest and real friendship I’ve ever had with a guy. Something that I didn’t expect or ever see coming. Something that is based on respect. Something that has no possibility of moving too fast or turning into something like the past. Our flaws have been revealed and despite certain fears I continue to step a little closer… not feeling anxious or the need to define what we have. Not afraid of the future. I don’t care if we ever make it into something more because for the time being I’m enjoying our genuine friendship and getting to know him at his core… distance makes it easy to slow my role and not get lost in something I can’t control. I don’t want to change him or change myself for him. If in time it happens, it happens and if not I know that there are people out there who I can be real with people who will see me for me and never want to change me.
I’m not closing any doors or giving myself rules or playing any games…
I’m just living my life to the fullest and seeing where my path leads. If someone along my path is headed in the same direction that is just fine with me but I won’t be confused with silly games of misconception or deception. I’m smarter than that and I won’t fall with all that I am because I deserve to keep a large part of my own heart for me. I’ve rented out space for those who are worthy and will not tolerate anyone making it dirty…