The hidden me that’s so clear to see… 

I’ve said it before…

People come and go in our lives. Relationships have seasons and people are in our lives for varying amounts of time… it’s a normal part of life for people to come in and out.

But normal has never been normal for me…

For me people leaving or even simply ignoring me is taken personally. It’s taken as rejection. It’s taken as abandonment. It shakes me to my core and makes me question my own value…

I’ve learned to detach. To never let anyone get too close. To never let them see the real me, only the overly happy me or the very cold me, there is no in between. To never let my deep dark secret insecurity be known by anyone but me. There are a few that start to see… then it’s all up to me to push them away. To put them to the test and they always turn out just like the rest. I’m too much for them. Too complex. Too hard to read. Nothing that they need.

Will anyone ever see that it’s just a plea. Begging for someone to really see me. To want to choose me. The real me. The happy and cool me. Will anyone want to heal this little girl inside of me who has daddy abandonment issues, not one but a few who flew the coup when things got too rough… then jerry who I gave half my life to and he threw it all away in one day… but I’m also to blame…

I’m logical and I know that I have people who love me. I have people who have stayed. But I’m quick to rationalize so I don’t have to feel the feelings that I hide deep inside… I don’t let myself feel the feelings I fear so hard. My therapist says I have to let myself feel them… I have to fall apart… if I don’t learn to feel then there is no fresh start… I’ll always be the scared broken little girl me… and not the fighting to be free me…

I’m great at seeing things. I’m great at inspiring others. I’m not so great at taking my own advice or taking the leap. I tend to be impulsive and really fucking stubborn.

I’m sweet and I’m sassy, cold hearted and classy but it’s all just a front so that you can’t see that my heart is wide open for all to take part. I love with a fire that burns me straight to the ground so that I can keep those around me warm and toasty at the expense of my own self.

I’m a people pleaser and I love to be loved. I enjoy doing things for others and lifting them up. People fall deep but no deeper than me because my secret is that I love you and I love me. I see the best in everyone and have high expectations. I get disappointed and hurt but I stand up and move forward.

But with each fall a tiny piece gets left behind and it’s time that I call on my inner ice queen to protect the rest of me from all that is left of me.

I drift into the cold and at first it hurts… the pain steals my breath and is like a blade through my chest. The tears they start but I can’t let them flow. My heart is getting too slow and there is no where to go. The numbness takes over and at first it’s hard to move but then everything feels smooth. No jagged heart, no emotional scar, I’m starting to like this cold hearted part. I couldn’t go far with the pain they inflicted. I felt drained and conflicted with every blow. I didn’t want to sink so low but I can be vindictive when no one is convicted. I’ll hold my icey gaze like a shield to my heart and know that this is nothing but a phase. I’ll survive this winter like every one before but the sun won’t come until I’m frozen right to my core.

My fear is that once it becomes solid there is no one who will fight for a girl who is her own light… and I won’t let them because once I shine so bright there is no one I will see, but me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s