Losing control…

My mind goes fuzzy and my eyes see red…

My anger is a wild fire raging out of control…

he knows he holds the matches…

he knows he will get burned…

He likes the pain of my flame there is no other explanation.

I’ve learned to control it, to hold my own and not play his game….

Except when it comes to my babies… and he has figured out my weakness….

You fuck with them and it’s no longer the flames you have to worry about… it’s not a scar from my flame that you’re about to claim… it’s my claws that will rip out your throat and take the control you so effortlessly dangle in front of me. Don’t mess with the momma bear because it’s not a scar your will wear but your life that you’ll lose wothout hesitation….

It’s all for protection so don’t think it’s misdirection. I won’t let you make them feel worthless like you did to me.

They deserve more than that and not just from me. They deserve a dad who puts them first. A dad who thinks of them and not some stupid purse. They deserve their time with you without the whore you hold close to your core.

Go ahead and try me. I’ll settle this score once and for all. You won’t be very happy. And you won’t get to see any of your girls from behind the jailhouse bars.

I hate who I become when I’m angry… these are all just words on paper that will bubble and boil in a matter of moments…

I have to let it go. I have to feel what I’m feeling in order to stand strong in my position.

Who fucking does that?! Who brings the girlfriend around when you’re not even divorced?! After you promised to wait until March.

Who doesn’t think of their feelings. Who only thinks of themselves?! Seriously 3 measly months, you couldn’t wait 3 months… a good show of character and respect was asking too much from a pair that has one thing the same, only half a brain…

I can’t let it hurt me. I can’t let it show. But I’m not very good with feelings or letting things go… I have to talk through them. I have to let the rage out or it will destroy me from the inside out.

I hate fucking crying or this ungodly sound ripping from my stomach escaping through my voice but he has given me no choice.

There is always a choice. I hate him and I want to fucking destroy him. And I can. With one phone call I can have him behind bars with a slam. No judge would give custody to a man who pled guilty with a domestic assault history.

But it’s no mystery what I’ll do…. I’ll write a fucking blog about how I couldn’t calm down and then I’ll let the xanax take me to slumber land where I’ll settle and calm the fuck down. I wake up to a better day and get back to my high road and do nothing about all the pain that he causes but what is best for my babies. Which is to smile and hug and be there for them when they realize he has nothing they deserve. I’ll pay for all the activities and do all the running. I’ll continue to keep them during his weeks so he doesn’t have to drive so far. I’ll continue to be kind even though in my mind he disgusts me and makes me sick with how long I let him punish me for the things that I did.

Soon everyone will find out the true monster he is, I don’t have to do anything. I don’t have to settle any score. I just have to sit back and watch as he plays house with his little whore. Soon everyone will see while I did what I did, I didn’t deserve the things I endured. I needed a way out and I didn’t know how. That’s a story for another day. For now I’m just gonna take a bow.

Good night…

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