5 months ago today Jerry and I came to the inevitable realization and ultimate agreement that after 15+ years together we sucked the life out of each other and for the benefit of our daughters could no longer do it anymore.
These months have been harder than anything I’ve ever been through and those of you that read even page one of my blog or know anything about my life know that I’ve been through more than what most experience in an entire lifetime… I can’t believe the dark times I’ve been through but without death there can be no rebirth and there are 4 core things I’ve found got me through….
1. My girls – they are my world, they always have been but some how all the focus of our marriage became the pain, the mistakes, the blame and it took away from what we stayed together for so long in the first place for…our four beautiful ladies. I’ve thrown myself into being the best mom I can be. I fail at times. I make the wrong decision. I feel guilty for not being perfect. I try my hardest. I have my lazy days. Some weeks I have no idea what the hell im doing or where I am going. Some days I feel resentful because the work should be split equally but still it remains on me… but I remind myself that they are my world and I would do anything for those four beautiful princesses. I have to be strong and show them their worth and that they too can do whatever they set their minds to.
2. Friends and entertainment- I’m learning about balance. As much as my world revolves around my girls, adults need adult interaction more than just work… we need to play, we need to embrace the child inside and find what it is that we enjoy. I’m learning not to feel guilty. Not to run and hide and to never ever let anyone tell us we don’t deserve it. I’ve danced, I’ve laughed, I’ve sang at the top of my lungs, I’ve watched games, played some of them too, drank a lot of alcohol, I’ve listened to live music, Ive watched a play or two, I’ve met new people and spent time with family to pass the time too. I’ve had a lot of good company and many conversations. I’ve lost some friends and gained some too… everyone is important to me, even you.
3. Work- It took me a minute to get my head back together. Work is my haven, my safe place. He tried to steal it away and rub it in my face. I worked hard to get here and it will never be taken from me. My family here is the strangest group of crazies you’ll ever have the pleasure to meet. We bitch and moan, laugh at our own but we’ve always got your back, no one is alone. I crave knowledge and have a passion to care there is no limits set on how far I will go. no one to hold me back or ask me why I need to know. I will continue to grow despite the fight and the guilt he tried to lay on me that my daughters need me home. I’m grown and make my own decisions and will not apologize for the things that I want. I want more schooling. I want to make the rules. I want to advocate for the the patients I care so much about. I want to have power and I want to have a voice. Someday I will make a difference in the lives of women all over the place. Joining medical and mental health and empowering women in their mind, body and soul in a practice I will create. A haven for misses to learn and grow, a place of nonjudgement and a place of support. I know I can do it.
4 me- it’s wildly over looked… to take time for me… not with friends… not at work… not with family or some stupid jerk…. just me, myself and I… to listen to my thoughts and to feel what I feel… to think about my likes and my dislikes, what my standing points are. What’s worth fighting for and what’s not worth settling the score which will rot my core. To reverse the things that I believed and all the negative I perceived. To turn it all positive and productive so that I can pour out all that doesn’t belong and to stay strong. Sometimes it’s reading a book, listening to a sermon, crocheting a blanket or writing a blog, some days it’s with Julie Golin, my therapist who listens and smiles, who teaches me about me without even saying much other than allowing me to validate me which is the key. I really don’t need anyone but me. Some say I’m not on this path alone. That I have supporters and cohorters who walk by my side and while I know this is true there is only one who wears this shoe… me, so despite what you think the only opinion that matters is me so it’s important for me to learn me so that when I make a decision it’s not a vision of what anyone else wants from me.
The final thing I will add is that even if you’re not mentioned you’ve been important to my growth. If you’ve taken a back seat or are just waiting for me to call. If you’ve fought with me or ignored me. If you’ve sent cards or simple texts they all mean the world to me. You all truly do not know how important people are to me. We are put on this earth to build relationships, to make connections and to love each other. The most important thing I have learned is that hate doesn’t get you anything but poison in your own soul. He can push and he can prod but he can never steal my joy because I’m no longer his toy. He doesn’t control my happiness.
No one survives this thing called life so we might as well make the best of it. Don’t worry about what you can’t control. Fall in love. Get hurt. Make mistakes and take breaks. Bet big and be a kid. Ignore the judgement and resist your own because no matter what people do to you it shouldn’t affect you. Leave the punishment for the professionals and treat everyone with respect. You don’t have the whole story and you certainly are not perfect. Forgive yourself and do your best but sometimes just enjoy the mess!