Finding strength…

I’ve always been told that I was a strong person…

I once was even told that I was intimidating…

Ha! Me?! Intimidating?! Really?!

I’m the girl who a guy goes up to at the bar because I’m approachable and then they slither over to one of my friends who was the real target in the first place…

I think there is a movie about it actually… “the duff”…

Anyway, I’ve never really understood what people saw in me… if they only knew the things that ran through my head on a daily basis… how many times I told myself “I can’t do this”… how many tears have escaped from my eyes when my head told me to quit but my heart told me to keep fighting…

“I got this”

“I got you”

“I don’t need any help”

“Just get it done”

I don’t know any other way…

I truly don’t… I mean… baby in high school, right? No big deal. She needed me. I had to give my all for her. I could not fail. Failure was never an option…

nursing school…working full time… with 4 kids… one who was still on the breast… you just do it…

you want something? You can’t just wait around and hope someone gives it to… there is no one who will do it for you… you have to work hard… fight for it… these things are never free and if they were they wouldn’t be worth anything to me…

divorce was never an option…

I never wanted my life to be like this… so many emotions… at times I feel so weak… emotionally…mentally…physically…

but again… I tell myself… you deserve to be happy… I want it… happiness… so for what I want I will work and I will work hard. And hard it has been…

but I see the light… it’s within grasp. I see me. Finally, I see me. And I see the light around me… I see that happy girl who lights up the world around her… I’m free!

I found my strength in thee…

Chloe… that baby girl who empowered me all through high school giving me the drive and determination to make something more of myself than a statistic… I was the daughter of two high school drop outs and pregnant at 15… she will never be anything like me… and I will never be that small, weak person that they see… she gives me strength… tells me what a good mom I am… is patient and kind… and forgives readily… she teaches me how to be at peace while holding my head high…


Lexi… my beautiful buhda who against all odds is the perfect crazy wild child who strengthens the silly in me… she is sensitive and sweet but goofy and fun. She is a dance break in the middle of a fight… she is a giggle at a funeral… she is an inappropriately loud fart in church… She makes me smile and laugh when all I want to do is give in and cry… she has a heart of gold and shows her love by her wild ways…  she teaches me to love wildly without hesitation or reservation…


Kelsie… my princess… she shows me that there will never be anyone as good as this queen. She is confident and clean… she demands attention and beautiful things. She knows her worth and she expects nothing but the best. She gives her all and will never fall. She fights with all her might to be her very best with everything she does… She teaches me how to be the Queen.

Jeri Lynn- jj… “Jessie jr”… nickname started by my dad… this kid can light up the entire world with her smile… she’s cute and cuddly… but don’t let the adorable exterior fool you, she sees people… she sees deep inside and there is nothing you can hide! She will always know when you need a hug or a snuggle… she doesn’t have to say anything… she warms you with her presence… she has a very special gift of giving herself to others for their benefit at just the right time. She sacrifices what she wants to make you happy because what makes her happy is to see you happy…. she teaches me how to love unconditionally…


I see me in my girls… They have all of my good characteristics and none of the bad. I am kind and I am good. I am forgiving. I am goofy and wild. I love relentlessly. I expect a lot from me. I work hard and am the queen of my house. I see me in everyone around… it gives me great insight to others and what they need. I aim to please. I am strong. I see, my strength is my love. Love for myself. Love for others. Finally I can just be me. I thought I would never be enough, which sometimes makes me too much but that’s just me and someone will see how great it is to just be me even if that someone is just me. Happiness…is sure to be.

 

 

4 thoughts on “Finding strength…

  1. I was really up set when I went to send you s message and found Facebook blocked again. Things went through my head like what passably could have I done wrong now. There fear I have these days are real from the years of mistakes I’ve made so I try I really try to find where I can fit in. I’m sorry I got made at you and blocked you on face book. I understand now what happed. I’m trying really hard Jessie, and maybe you think I’m crazy cause I try to share my feelings with you about how I’m feeling, maybe I’m looking for something you learned I can learn from. Reading your blog I learned allot thank you. Good night

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    1. I forgave you a long time ago Danny but what you need to understand is that I’ve spent 30 years without you in my life. You’re more than welcome as a spectator but you have no influence over the things I do or say. This was not about you. It never is. I have a lot going on in my life and so do you so put your efforts into just being you and making sure you’re the best dad for your baby on the way. Your time has passed with me, I don’t need a dad that spot has been filled. So keep the past where it belongs because that’s where I’m leaving it too. It’s good to understand the past so that you know where you come from and what had an impact that made you you but dwelling and always assuming that the things that I do are aimed at you are a waste of your energy. I have no hate toward you. I wish you well. You need to accept that this is the relationship we have and it will never be anything more than a distant acquaintance. I accept you for you but I don’t have to put in effort to maintain a father daughter relationship because that is not who you are to me. I may be your daughter but you are not my dad. I left my number for you and you’re more than welcome to use it but you are not a priority in my life just as I was never one in yours. No hate, no shame, it just is what it is. That’s all. Just do better for the next baby that’s all i can ask for. that’s all I want from you. That’s all I need from you. Do you and be a good dad to that baby. And I will do me and be a good momma to my babies.

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  2. I forgave you a long time ago Danny but what you need to understand is that I’ve spent 30 years without you in my life. You’re more than welcome as a spectator but you have no influence over the things I do or say. This was not about you. It never is. I have a lot going on in my life and so do you so put your efforts into just being you and making sure you’re the best dad for your baby on the way. Your time has passed with me, I don’t need a dad that spot has been filled. So keep the past where it belongs because that’s where I’m leaving it too. It’s good to understand the past so that you know where you come from and what had an impact that made you you but dwelling and always assuming that the things that I do are aimed at you are a waste of your energy. I have no hate toward you. I wish you well. You need to accept that this is the relationship we have and it will never be anything more than a distant acquaintance. I accept you for you but I don’t have to put in effort to maintain a father daughter relationship because that is not who you are to me. I may be your daughter but you are not my dad. I left my number for you and you’re more than welcome to use it but you are not a priority in my life just as I was never one in yours. No hate, no shame, it just is what it is. That’s all. Just do better for the next baby that’s all i can ask for. that’s all I want from you. That’s all I need from you. Do you and be a good dad to that baby. And I will do me and be a good momma to my babies.

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