Menstral mental…

Sometimes I feel crazy…

I don’t know what is happening to me…

I go to the doctor and am met with medications with side effects that are a mile long and leave me feeling less like myself than ever before…

I feel waves of sorrow that drag me down and fill my lungs with tears, drowning me in this unrecognizable sea of deadened dreams…

I lash out at those who are in my line of eye sight… those who have hurt me… those who have come too close and I bite… I push away anyone who cares… if they come back I push some more and if they stay away well they just prove me right…. I’m not worth the fight…

I begin to write letters of distain… I want to hurt those who have hurt me… make plans of public humility and delete them before they can take stand…

I want them all to know the truth but what will that prove?

Taking the high road is not the easy thing to do…

I stumble and I fall and no matter if I have to crawl or brawl I will stand back up and I will fight…

But sometimes I am a small person and not because I’m 5’1″….135# on a good day… my small frame is not what makes me small….

it’s the tendency to give into the small way of thinking… releasing the power to those who have inflicted pain upon me and lashing out and meeting their painful strikes with anger and more pain of my own…

most days I am able to contain the hate and replace it with understanding and love…

most days I am able to find peace…

most days I am able to move forward and keep on the high road… to stand tall with my 5’1″ frame and see what I can control…

Most days are not today…

today I fight… I fight the evil fight… I slip into my role of the evil bitch… it takes its toll and it’s me who pays the price…part of my soul…

I say things out of anger and pain…. I cry… I scream… I can’t control the emotional hurricane fighting beneath the seam… my eyes are swollen and my head begins to throb… my stomach is turning and it’s returning anything fed into it… I’m ready to fall apart with the slightest breeze… you don’t know what you will get from me, the hot mess of tears or the fiery sting of of my bitter tongue and flash of lightening that will burn you to the ground with a single emerald glance…

The red crimson river begins and it all makes sense…

Mother fucking nature and her evil wrath she bestows upon us women has gotten the best of me again. She tricks my conscious and steals my reasonings away… she creates a storm inside that is furious and hard to hide. There is no ration no reasoning behind the way she makes me feel or the anger placed my mind.

I can’t shut her down. She has total control. The only thing to do is pick up the pieces found after she rolls through.

There is no apology that can explain. How these hormones take on a life of their own. It’s not an excuse. It’s not a way out. I own all my actions. I take all the blame. She is my little devil inside that I try to hide but she comes to my rescue even when I’m not feeling like playing this game.  It’s always the same.

She surprised me today… She wasn’t suppose to be here for another 7 days… another one of those side effects of those medication delays…  I was suppose to have more time to prepare more time to care…

I don’t know what more to say… I’m the author of my own story so why do I write it this way… I have the power… I have the control… but my heart is on parole and mind likes to cower to the things that they say…

tomorrow will be better… tomorrow has to be better… for now I lay my head down to rest and pray that the swelling goes down, that my stomach settles and my brain stops trying to break free from my head…but for now it’s time for bed.

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