I forgive you.
Holding onto anger and bitterness only creates a toxic environment inside myself.
I am worth so much more than that…
I have this voice inside my head that does not belong to me. It’s the words of those who have harmed me and used me for their own emotional waste land because I am a kind empathetic person. I have these lies that I tell myself when I find yet another person who chooses to use me as their own disposable catch all. I’m working to repair what I’ve let them take from me and I have to right the wrongs they have put inside my head.
I’m not stupid to believe you. I’m not stupid to see the good in you. I’m not stupid to take you for your word. I’m not stupid for giving you a chance. I’m not stupid for trusting you.
I am fragile, but I am strong. I stumble and I fall but I get back up and dethaw my heart because you are not worth my tears, but I let those tears fall. I let myself feel this pain. So that I can grow and use the injury you inflicted on my heart to make it stronger. Not to close it off and be cold but to love and care for the right people. To learn how to distinguish and find the people who are worthy of my love because my love is big and it’s beautiful. My love is unconditional and giving. But my love deserves to be earned.
My worth is not reflected in how you treat me. I have no control over the shitty things people may do to me or say about me but I can control my response. I can control my tolerance and I will not tolerate being lied to or treated like a piece of crap. I’m better than that. I deserve better than that. I will not let you reflect your own insecurities on me and put that on my shoulders.
Who are you to me?
You are not someone I will give any control over to. It doesn’t make you a bad person and it doesn’t give me the right to be mean or persecute you. You are someone who can not handle the complexity of who I am and how big my love is because I am deeper than the kiddie pool you drown your worries and anxieties in. You are someone who can not handle the greater understanding that I have of the human condition and the great wealth of knowledge related to my own self awareness. You have no idea why you do the things that you do. You choose to close your eyes and blame those around you for all of the bad things that happen to you instead of standing up and taking ownership of your own reactions and responsibility for your life and the control you have in it. You use and manipulate people without consequence because it is not your fault, you’re just a passenger watching your own life drive by allowing everyone else to drive so that you don’t have to carry any of the blame when you fall off the path.
I feel sorry for you.
But that doesn’t mean I have to allow you in my life or to have any control over how I see myself.
I’m in a place of rapid growth. Every error I make is put on blast and makes it more and more difficult for me to love myself. I must repeat over and over to myself. I am worth more because I am. You have no control because you don’t. What you say is not true. It is a reflection of you, not me.
I forgive you.
I will keep repeating that until it’s true.
I forgive you…
I forgive you…
I forgive me… I forgive me… I forgive me… I forgive me… I forgive me… I forgive me… I forgive me… I forgive me… I forgive me…………………………………………………
I FORGIVE ME!!!!!
The cold hard truth. It’s not you who is hard to forgive. It’s me.
My learning curve is as sharp as a the knife that you plunge straight into my heart… but I don’t blame you I blame me when the blame clearly rests somewhere in between. I give my love away freely and don’t keep any for me. I have to earn my own love when it’s on display and up for free for everyone else.
I hold myself accountable for not following my gut, not listening to the red flags because I was giving you more benefit of the doubt than I give myself. Users and abusers are drawn to me. Because I allow them to take what they shouldn’t have. Because I want to help them repair what I see in me. I work so hard to help others but put myself on the back burner…. I am quick to forgive and understand the short comings of others but hold myself to a higher standard. I am mean and harsh to that girl in the mirror… I’m easy to read and an easy target for the likes of you.
I’m working on me. You don’t owe me anything so it’s easy to see why you’re so easy to free but me I’m locked in jail answering to my own insecurities. Wanting so badly to be free. Wanting to help and to be understanding because I like being liked and I’m easy to please, everyone but me.
I need to start being selfish. I need to start guarding my heart and forgiving myself as easily as I forgive you. The toxic toil that I turn is not from the anger, hate and bitterness I hold against you it’s from not forgiving me…
I forgive me…