11 years of Lexi…


Lexi Elise…

my fun loving wild child sensitive soul….who defied the odds and is living proof that with a little faith all things are possible…

I became pregnant with my Lexi Lou after I lost a baby at 16 weeks… my body didn’t recognize that the baby had ceized to grow and  so I had to have surgery to remove all evidence of life that I had growing inside of me…

That baby was something we tried so hard for… we dreamed for… we prayed for… we named him Camden Cole, although I never did ask the results of the DNA testing to see if it was a boy or girl, in my mind I lost a son and because of that, my pregnancy with Lexi was started in a shadow…

I was mourning the loss of a child when something didn’t feel right…

Doctors feared they had missed “products of conception” during surgery and I spent 10 days horrified that I might have to go back and relive the pain of waking up screaming under the influence of sedation convinced someone had stole my baby from me…


Finally after multiple blood draws and a confirmatory ultrasound where I literally had to hold my breath for as long as my body would allow and no on in the room could move so they could find any microscopic evidence of life or confirm my worst fears that my body had failed yet another baby… she was “VIABLE”….

but that wasn’t the end of my worrying with Lexi… due to the recent surgery, my age (18) and it being my 3rd pregnancy it was considered a high risk pregnancy so I was referred to a specialist to see as well as my own OBGYN…

I went for lab work every few weeks as well as ultrasounds, I was on hormone replacements as well as a cervical suppository to assist in the thickening and closing of my cervix to maintain the pregnancy I was too anxious to get excited over…

We were finally over the hump of having to worry about a threatened miscarriage from the recent surgery and just threatening to actually allow myself to get excited over this little blessing that came to heal my broken heart when they found something wrong on her ultrasound…

Some sort of mass on her brain… are you fucking kidding me?! Devastated and discouraged we were given our “options” because apparently a less than perfect baby when you’re just barely 19 and have another child at home is not ideal and after all with “freedom of choice” it was an option….

Without getting political here… abortion has never been something I have ever considered in my entire life… not at 15 and pregnant and certainly not at 19 facing the possibility of a disabled child… no matter how hard that news was to digest the fact that they sat there encouraging me to have yet another surgery to rip her life away from my body because she may not have been perfect was a foreign concept to me…

so… we trudged on… together, deciding that we weren’t going to tell anyone what we were dealing with until we truly knew exactly what it was… or maybe I just didn’t have the strength to admit that my body may be failing another precious child…. I’m not sure but we did it alone… because we only had each other in this world and our baby girl who bound us for life…

we went to appointments and both of us were genetically tested for diseases and anomalies and we had to go through both our crazy messed up family trees to determine if there was any family history… we sat for many ultrasounds, not happy ultrasounds where you get to see your baby kick and play but dark quiet rooms with screens turned away…

we were counseled on the possibility of various trisomy abnormalities as what they finally decided on to be a growing bilateral cyst in her brain continued to cause concern for her brain function…

Dandy Walker Syndrome… some of these babies never make it out of the womb, some die shortly after and some live a short life disability and mental delay… we were told that if it continued to grow at the rate at which they were seeing,  surgery while I was still pregnant would be the only option to try and give her the possibility of a life… they continued to push with my “options” before it was “too late”…

no matter how much I wanted to crawl in bed and never come out and just live in that moment where my baby was safe inside me, closest to my heart I never conceded…

I became angry. I became pissed off at God. I screamed and I cried and I swore to the Lord. How could you do this to me?! How could you dangle a sweet baby in front of me and take her away just like my son before… I insisted he couldn’t do that… I wouldn’t let him do that… no matter what I had to do this baby was MINE and he could not have her! He could not take her!

I laugh writing  this because I remember the break down so vividly… on my knees hitting the ground. One moment feeling hopeless and weak and the next telling God to Fuck off… gaining my strength as I fought his fate… like any of us can change what’s meant to be… but I was freshly 19 and had the world at my feet and I stomped them loud and clear…. quite honestly I’m not that much different today at 30 years old stubborn and strong… pretending I have any kind of control over the fate that I belong

But you know what… That rapidly growing mass, cyst or whatever you want to believe… it disappeared… days after my mental boxing match with God… ultrasound evidence that there were no abnormalities in this child I claimed as mine, who I refused to let be taken from me… I won, she would be mine…


the price I paid for that beautiful brown eyed baby girl was 36 hours of labor that did end up in surgery to cut her out of me… countless hours of sleepless nights and tears that wouldn’t stop from both her and I… multiple doctors appointments for her skin ailments, food allergies, colic and gastrointestinal issues…



every single worry… every single sleepless night… every single tear was worth it. I wouldn’t change it for the world!!!


Today Lexi is the happiest, craziest, fun loving, heart of gold, God loving kid I know… She feels pain when others feel pain… she gives when any other child would be selfish… she has a passion for Christ and is excited about getting closer to high school because then she can do missionary work in other countries with her youth group… there is only one explanation for Lexi and that is simply that she is truly a gift from God because I did not instill that love in her… for many years I had an estranged relationship with God and I still struggle with it but Lexi teaches me and shows me how it’s suppose to be…



One thought on “11 years of Lexi…

  1. Wow that was truly one of the most beautiful post I have read. My friend, God Is great. Maybe he heeded your prayers maybe he had another plan all along. But His intent was to strengthen you, and is for your good always. I can see that in how you live your life today and in how He has blessed you with this child.
    As to the other, God is big enough to laugh at your tantrum and wait till you are ready to come back to Him. He will never forsake you and He will never force you.

    Liked by 1 person

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