Week on week off….

It’s only day 1 of his week on and I’m already having such a hard time with this…

I know it’s what’s best for the girls. Consistency and stability. Schedule. Predictability.  

It’s not that I won’t see them every day anyway. Because I will still get them on and off the bus on my days off and even have an hour or so with them after school before their dad can get them after he gets out of work…. 

but tomorrow is Kelsie’s birthday. Her big special day. My princess is 8 years old. My tiny, big personality, look at me shine princess. And I don’t get to wake her up in the morning with streamers covering her bedroom door and balloons hiding the floor…. I don’t get to shout and shake her awake with a special birthday song….. 

I know I should focus on what I do get to do… I will be waiting for her with 8 sparkly balloons and a special cinnamon roll breakfast with a candle to blow out and make a wish on….I will have her sisters sing happy birthday and wish her day well. I will get to curl her hair and dress her up in her crown and pink birthday jewels and bling. I get to drop her off at school and send her bday snack for all to know it’s her special day. I get to surprise her at lunch just the two of us to play hookie for a girls shopping day with mani/pedi to top it off! I get to be with my girl almost half the day….

But I can’t help but have my chest hurt and my breath taken away when I think about sending her with her dad…. to have dinner and play. I won’t get to see her blow her candles out on her cupcakes… will he have a special dinner and dessert too? I don’t get to tuck her in and whisper I love you big 8 year old and snuggle her to sleep. I won’t get to say one last happy birthday and watch her fall asleep as I ask myself how she got so big…. where did the time go… who is this lovely outspoken young lady my sweet girl and quiet baby has turned into…. 

I hate this. I want to be selfish. I will smile. I will not show my sadness. I will make tomorrow the best birthday she has ever had. 

Tonight… I cry. Tonight, I mourn. The death of a tradition and the ghost of an old life. Tomorrow will be better, it can only get better. 

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