To my best friend… 

Today was a particularly busy day in the ER… I didn’t discharge a single patient. I admitted every single one… I had two nursing students which makes the day even busier explaining everything going on and educating on technique, policy and directing skills as well as minding your p’s and q’s when it comes to charting and scanning meds..although sometimes you still have to throw the book out the window and do the best you can when it comes to the politics of nursing because after all I’m in the business of saving lives not making suits happy with how beautiful my charting is…. and I did just that today…. saved lives… I helped save 5 lives actually… 3 that were in critical condition and would have died without intervention…. 1 in serious critical condition who I gave 2 hours of undivided attention because even a moment of distraction could have meant a fatal error…  feels good, it’s rewarding and satisfying, I feel important and empowered … having the knowledge and skill to save lives… having the heart and soul to make a petrified family feel a little more secure when their dearly beloved is knocking at deaths door… making a world of difference in the life of not only that patient but an entire community of family and friends who rally in support in the waiting room….

yet I’m still sad. Not every day. But I was tonight even after 12 jam packed hours of rewarding work… And every spare second I had, the sadness seemed to creep in. I tried to reach out only to feel rejected and alone. I started a bath and sat in it for a moment until I’m sure the heat dropped my BP to a nauseating low and I laid on my bed listening to my heart race in my ears until it finally slowed to a dull whoosh and I could stand up again…. listened in on a conference call with this wonderful group of positive women who reinforce each other and lift each other up and smiled for a moment but then back to my reality of a quiet empty home and a hole in my heart…. read a little more of one of the many empowering books I’m reading to fill that hunger for knowledge…. but still I feel like I’m forgetting something… someone…

Chloe had an away game tonight and with me getting out at 7:30, by the time I would have made it there, it would have been over… so I missed yet another one of her games but I know she doesn’t mind, I know she cheers for herself and not for me or her dad’s benefit…I know she knows I’m there for her even when I’m not and that she loves when I am even if I’m the loudest most obnoxious fan not just cheering for the boys of fall but letting out loud yips and screams for my biggest girl, cheering for my cheerleader who is so understanding and full of grace when I can’t be present…. I don’t feel guilty about not going, that’s not the sadness that eats away at my heart….

Jerry asked to bring the girls home tonight since he wouldn’t make it back to Muskegon until closer to 10pm and littles were already asleep in the back seat so of course I agreed.. only to feel even more disdain to find their homework still needed to be completed in the morning…. we have different parenting styles, different priorities and that’s okay, neither is right nor wrong…. that’s not the pain I feel deep inside my stomach that twists and turns and makes me feel like the world could come crashing down around me at any second…

I look at his face… searching for something familiar… something that I love… and I see nothing… I see vacant brown eyes that avoid contact with my tired face… I don’t feel remorse… I don’t feel a force of attraction between us… I feel nothing… not even hate… not because I have pushed it down deep inside but because the feelings have escaped me… they no longer exsist… I’ve told myself once you love someone you never stop… is this true? If it is why can’t I feel that love anymore…. why do I feel so blank looking at him carrying my littles up to my bed where we use to share our life together….. share our passion together… he attempts to poke and start an argument… repeatedly… and still I feel nothing… am I just tired… do I really have no fight left in me… it doesn’t matter… he doesn’t matter… he is not a part of me anymore… the fight is gone because “we” are gone… and this does not make me sad…

I look at who he is… who he was and I rejoice that I am no longer burdened with the task of healing his soul… healing his pain… pain I no longer feel the need to take ownership of…. pain that was there long before he met me… pain he used me as a bandaid for… pain he now uses her to bandaid… his perpetual little line of blonde bandaids to heal his soul… God have mercy on his soul… I feel so sorry for him… but I no longer feel charged with the sole responsibility of keeping it all together…

I am together! I am healing! I no longer fear of being my mother… or having the same relationship with my daughters that I have with her… I know that no matter who enters our lives my daughters will be okay..  because they have me…. and I love them so much… because they will never have to question their worth… or feel they have to earn love… or ask what they did wrong… because I will always do what is best for them…

I don’t have to question if this is all there is to life anymore because I know what my purpose in life is….my girls… making them strong… independent… little ladies who are confident and secure who make a difference with the kindness in their hearts, strength of their soul and the smile on their faces that light up the world and show the true meaning of life….

and yet… I have this emptiness… something is still missing… I know that today it’s okay to devote my life to them… as it should be while they are so young… but I know some day they too will have families of their own… they will leave… and while I know that I will always be their momma and always be there for them… I won’t be their priority… they will have lives of their own and I will be left alone… this is the emptiness I feel… the loss of someone to share my life with… some one to hold my hand… someone to trust… to hold my heart… I know this someone is out there and while I don’t intend on finding him soon… I truly long for him… I wish I knew God’s plan… and I know it will all be revealed in his time… and that things will make perfect sense… I plan things… I prepare and there is no way to control this one… no way to peek… no way to know…  I just miss my best friend…. the one I haven’t met yet… the one I’ve never known… the one who is missing me right now, though we may have never met… the one I’ll cry for in our old age as the nurse pulls him away… the one that will hold my hand when I’m fragile and afraid… the one my heart calls out to… the one my soul is linked to… I miss you…though I don’t even know you. 🤕

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