I came across an article tonight that spoke to me and I wanted to share it and add to it my own rhetoric…. words that Are not my voice will be in italics and bold.
Original article link: http://askclairecasey.com/9-soul-boundaries-guard-like-doberman/
Boundaries are not selfish! Solid, inner boundaries are what help keep you healthy, and setting and maintaining them is a skill. Below you’ll find a simple list of the top 9 deep soul boundaries that will serve you well in life and love…
1. I am following my life plan.
Know exactly what you want in life. What are your top 3 goals/dreams? What steps are you taking toward them each day/week? There is no good reason for you to permanently defer or give up your passions and dreams.
Okay this one seems simple enough except when you’re asked to narrow it down to your three too goals/dreams right?! Okay but let’s give it a try…
- Be a better person than I was yesterday
- Continue education
- Travel and see the world with my girls
2. I know what makes me feel loved.
Know (and be able to communicate) the one or two things in life that make you feel most loved. Gifts? Being physically touched? Words of affirmation? Quality time? Acts of service (housecleaning, etc)? When you know and can share this, others will learn to show you love in ways that mean the most to you.
You know in our premarriage counseling group the 5 love languages of marriage was the foundation of the teaching… we went through the book week by week, chapter by chapter…. incidentally only I went to the group because of his work schedule but he also never attempted to read the book on his own time either…
I need words of affirmation and quality time. Hands down. I need to be told that I’m cared about and it has to be backed up by spending time with me and being fully present in that moment. I don’t need presents or someone spend money on me. I don’t need physical touch or things done for me as much as I need verbal affirmation that a person values my friendship and the physical proof that I’m worth “wasting” time with.
3. I take care of myself, always.
Have you been saying “yes” when you should say “no”? Work hard for others, but not as hard as you work for yourself.
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This is one I have always struggled with. I give so much of myself to everyone else I’m just now learning that I need to say no more and focus on me and my girls before anything else.
4. I share my deepest heart with my inner circle only.
Share your deepest struggles only with your closest emotionally healthy friends, coaches, or mentors. Resist the urge to say everything to everyone (on every social platform).
Clearly a boundary I know not of!! Ha! I don’t know if I agree or not… I mean it seems like I have shared a lot of my heart on this blog but there is so much more I have not even scratched the surface of the deepest, inner most struggles inside my heart… maybe when you’re emotionally healthy yourself it doesn’t matter who sees your mess that you’re dealing with is on a platform because maybe it’s okay to show people who you really are and how you deal with things… I’m so sick of people telling me I was a born leader and then trying to stifle my voice. Let me lead… if that’s what I was born to do and this in on my heart to share then that is what I’m going to do. And maybe I will have a change in heart some day but for now… here it is… heart wide open in all its raw broken glory!
5. I deal with the important things as they arise.
No matter how scary they feel, don’t allow problems to pile up until they overwhelm you. Deal with them as they come.
Yes! This is something I learned the hard way. It took my sister Fawne coming to my house and taking care of my kids and forcing me to lock myself in my bedroom without a phone and without an IPad to distract me and to truly face the ugly turmoil of my heart and deal with the emotions I had been bottling up for… well 30 years because hey when you find something that appears to work you stick with it right?! It took hours 49 straight hours of no sleep to break me… and when I finally broke and was forced to take essentially a jack hammer to the locked box that held my emotions the terrifying screams of pain were unrecognizable to me. In my head I thought where on earth is this hideous noise coming from and then I realized… me, it was coming from me and I was crying a good old fashion ugly cry, you know the kind I’m talking about, snot running down my face, make-up smeared, unable to catch my breath and painful screams escaping from the deepest depths of my soul that would scare the devil himself straight back to the fiery flames of hell! So story of my life… stop bottling it up because the problem is going to be so much more than you can handle when you finally make the time to get to it! It’s kind of like laundry, you can only ignore it so long before you’re butt naked holding a washcloth for a towel contemplating if you want to wear that cocktail dress that’s 2 sizes too small in the back of the closet or go full on Marilyn Monroe and hit the grocery store in a trench coat and panties…
6. I have a voice, and I can use it well.
setting-healthy-boundariesWhen someone does something hurtful to you, let them know about it. When something needs to be resolved, know how and be willing to bring it up. Good communication skills will help you maintain strong emotional boundaries. People who try to silence you might drift along the edges of your universe, but they have no true place in your life.
Another one I’m not too keen on… sometimes it doesn’t matter if you let a person know they hurt you if they don’t believe they were wrong or if their intent was to hurt you in the first place. You’re going to start a conflict that no one will win so the only thing to do is walk away from that person if it was their intention to hurt you or if they will never be open to accepting and validating your feelings. Some people are just selfish and it doesn’t matter if you got that communication shit on lock down if they are just figuratively (and sometimes literally) plugging their ears and refusing to listen…
sometimes the solution is throwing your hands up and saying “Jesus take this fucking wheel because I’m about to drive right over this mother fucker who I’ve communicated the shit out of and still am not being heard…” okay so angry Jessie can sometimes peak her evil little face out from time to time 😳😬
7. I am not here to heal you.
It’s not your job to heal every wounded bear, addict, or emotional cripple who follows you home. Don’t ever mistake dependency for love
This one I’m going to have to put on repeat. I was once asked if I could have any super power in the world what would it be… my immediate response without a second thought was the power of a healing touch. I’ve often said that being a nurse is not my job it’s my character, it’s my nature, it’s who I am at my core. I don’t know how to not try and heal people. however, I’m learning that I can still help people heal but I can only match their own efforts at best instead of trying to put more effort into their own problems than them… so no I can not heal anyone who is not willing to first heal themselves but I will be a friend who stands by as they put in the work and do my best to help support them in their process…
8. I have my own best interest at heart.
Approach decision-making with your own best interest as the foundation.
This is a great idea in theory but when you’re a mother your own best interest must almost always take a back seat to the best interests of your children. Now sometimes on a very narrow set of exclusionary guidelines you do get to put your own needs and interest ahead of theirs when it comes to your own personal mental, physical and spiritual health… like Thursday nights my daughter cheers for JV football and I’m always in the stands cheering her on (usually pretty obnoxiously because I love to see that annoyed little smile with her “omg mom” eye roll that she secretly adores her crazy and loud momma and loves all the videos and pics I annoy her with) but I just signed up for a women’s alpha group at church and they assigned me to a Thursday night group… so for her last two games (which one is away and I probably wouldn’t bring the littles out to that one anyway) I need to set aside being at her game to focus on my spiritual growth and health so that ultimately I’m a better person and a better mother for her and her sisters to look up to as a role model… I also am starting to believe that while we should support our children in everything that they do, they also should be doing it for themselves and not for the parental validation in the stans… but that’s a whole dofferent blog for another day!!
9. I don’t cling to toxic people or relationships.
Don’t pursue people who have rejected you, or continue relationships with people who do not grant you basic care and respect. No controllers, fakers, or untrustworthy types. Keep people around you who are themselves emotionally healthy.
Another on I struggle with because emotionally healthy individuals are few and far between and we are all on different levels of our path here and to limit ourselves to only those whom we want to be like or strive to follow would be limiting ourselves to a very small percentage of the population and take away what is our basic human condition of connecting with those around us and helping those who are less fortunate than is recognizing that we too were once where they are and that we can be a pillar of hope in this dark and cold world of people who only look out for themselves!
Your boundaries are non-negotiable! So don’t make excuses for anyone who stomps on your inner emotional garden — instead simply but firmly ban them from your heart of hearts.
Give yourself some brand-new personal insights (You deserve this!)
So there you have it… what I think… boundaries are really great to have. But an understanding of why people do the things they do and giving a little leeway because most people do not have an evil intention behind what they are doing is also important too! Just cutting people out of your life because they don’t fit into what your idea of who they should be is not okay, it’s selfish and hurtful. Love everyone, keep your boundaries, protect your heart not also remember what it feels like to be alive… sometimes the only way to grow is through the pain and trial&terror of flexing those boundaries according to the situation and person….