Yesterday after posting I went to my counselor and had a productive session, went grocery shopping, came home and got the girls off the bus, made them dinner and dropped the bigs off at a friends house then went to drop the littles off at their dads….
That’s when it hit me. The anger. The hurt. The bitterness. Simply seeing his face. Hearing his voice. It brought out something from deep inside of me that I didn’t even recognize to be my own. I am not who I am suppose to be, who I want to be around him. He knows this and he pokes and makes fun of my “faked” happiness and Christianity. He knows exactly what to say when everyone else is not watching or listening to make me burn with fury and bubble hate out of my soul. My instinct is to run far far away from him. That I can only be me when he is not in my life.
This is just not a feasible solution when you share four daughters with the person who ignites fire into your soul, and not in a good way. The only solution is to take back my power. I have no idea how to do this. Every day I am alone without my girls, without a project or busy work to keep my mind distracted I break down. Sometimes for a minute, sometimes for a few hours but the tears inevitable come. The growl of pain and suffering come screaming out from the pit of my stomach and while I truly do not know why I mourn a life that was never mine in the first place, it comes without fail. Day after day it comes to steal my joy and steal my growth and to knock me down to my knees and teach me that I am not the strong warrior I am seen to be.
So today I will start with what my counselor has instructed me to do…
“Write down words that you connect with that represent who you want to be and how you want to feel… Ask yourself what steps you can take today to get closer to those things….”