I have no idea where to start with this so I’m just going to start rambling and hope that something takes shape and that I’m lead to what needs to be said by the Lord….
This morning I had made a resolve to take a step back from facebook because of everything I’m going through and the idea that I’m suppose to keep my suffering to myself or to those who are in my closest circle of friends (which let me tell you is hard to figure out when you’re going through a divorce). I got on my facebook and I had a message from the mother of one of my daughter’s friends. The message stated that she admired my strength and that from the day she met me she knew how strong I was and what a good person I was. She shared her deepest fear that her 25 year marriage was on the same path and that she didn’t want to spend another 25 years only to realize she should have stood up sooner. I looked through my inbox and realize the amount of support I received from my perceived inappropriate facebook rant venting about the struggles I was going through. I realized that so many other people, mostly women are going through the exact same thing and like me thought they were in this alone. That it is our duty to be strong. Our duty to not be weak women who cry at the drop of a hat. Women who are the care takers of everyone else, never stopping to think about ourselves, because as mothers that would be wrong.
I decided to start this blog because I have a lot to say and I really don’t freaking care who hears it or what opinion they have on how I decide to move forward with my life. frankly, I encourage as many people to read it as possible because after all we were put on this earth to have relationships, to connect with each other and in a world where we literally have the ENTIRE WORLD at our fingertips, on our phones and on our computers we live in this lonely world that we feel we have to hide who we truly are and be a perfect image of who we think the world wants us to be. I want to share the hot mess that I am. I’m finding more genuine friends now that I’m open with my flaws and admitting that “hey I don’t have my shit together!!!” than I ever had. I have lost some friends also. Some friends I really truly thought were genuine friends and maybe they will come back, I won’t close that door completely. But people like to put us into a little box of who they think we are or who they expect us to be. The fact is that has more to say about who they are and what they are struggling with than who we are. I personally make every effort to not judge and to take people as there are. I am human and I am flawed so I fail at this quite frequently actually, but I’m working on it and working on taking people as they are and not putting expectations on them because after all that is how we set ourselves up for disappointment. People will always disappoint us, it’s the human condition.
Moving forward… I googled which blog site was the best and found wordpress and tried to create my own account, only to find that I already had an account. so I clicked “forgot password” and logged in….. Much to my surprise SIX YEARS AGO I started a blog and posted one simple post that I was wanting to find myself through “Him”. I was going to read the bible front to back and post questions that I had…. I never followed through on that goal.
It’s funny because through this divorce I have been searching for myself and I realized I have been searching for who I am for a long time. Last night I started an “Alpha” group at church that is an 11 week series that asks the big questions of life like “Is there more to life than this”…..”who is Jesus”….”why do we pray”…”how do we receive forgiveness through prayer”….ect… This group is designed for non-believers and believers who want to really question why they follow the faith instead of just blindly following what they have always been taught….
I struggle with sharing that I’m seeking Godly counsel because I spent my elementary years in a household that was very broken, but we were taught to keep a smile on our face and pretend that everything was okay. That on the outside we appeared to be Christian, but inside of those 4 walls we were getting spanked with 2×4’s, smacked in the face, bibles thrown at our heads and stuck into the wall because it was thrown with such great force, screamed at and told we were worthless disgusting children who needed to repent our sins or we would be doomed to the fiery flames of hell. We had a mother who would lock herself in her bedroom when we got home from school, undoubtedly dealing with a great depression and struggles of her own….with what she was suppose to do… divorce this man who she thought was a Godly man that was abusive and evil which would make the world look at her with her 3 daughters from 3 different dads as just another statistic, just another failure or stay and pretend to be that perfect image of a christian family. I learned that the church was the enemy. That anyone who pretended to be Godly was fake and that Christianity was a crutch or even an excuse to throw someones sins in their face to hold them “accountable” and make them feel guilty and ashamed for those mistakes and that those mistakes were who they were to their core and who they would always be. I struggle because I myself have made fun of my mother for her “faith” because she is constantly making mistakes and is very self-centered. I questioned her intentions with everything she did, even if on the outside it appeared to be with such a big heart and passion for others. I knew what went on in our home. I knew she wasn’t this Godly woman who everyone adored on the outside. I knew that there were days that the only thing in the house to eat was butter-less toast, baked potatoes and peanut butter cookies. I knew that while she gave and gave and gave on the outside to everyone else, we were left with nothing literally and emotionally. My mother has spent her entire life looking for validation. Validation that she is a good woman and a good mother. I didn’t know who I was or who I wanted to be. All I knew was that the last thing I ever wanted to be was my mother. (sorry mom!) Only to find that in many ways, good and bad I am just like her.
I stayed in a toxic marriage for 12 years because of what people would think. I became a woman who needed validation from others and a woman who sought attention from men other than my husband because of my own insecurities and disrespect for a man I perceived as weak. I wanted that fairy tale story. I wanted to make people proud. I wanted to be that image of perfection, the image my mother always held onto. I gave so much to people outside my family, that my family was left with a mom and a wife who was so worn out that I had nothing left to give to them emotionally. I was so hell bent on proving people wrong that I lost sight of why I was doing the things I set out to do in the first place…to make a better life for my daughters. I became a mother who cared more about buying all the right clothing and worldly items for my children than filling their hearts with love. I forgot that without LOVE they would end up just like me, searching for it in all the wrong places. I became so busy with the tasks of being “perfect”…no APPEARING perfect that I had no energy to live in the moment and truly appreciate the gifts God gave me. My four beautiful gifts that are my world. I saw my mother in me, everything I hated about her, everything I didn’t want to be. I could give myself any credit for the good that I was. I was never good enough. I never did enough. I needed to be more, do more, and have more. I still do, but I’m learning….
I’m learning to accept who I am as a whole and to be kind to myself. I’m learning to take people for who they are and not question their intentions when they are doing good things. I’m learning that I deserve the same forgiveness, love and mercy I give to other people. I’m learning that it’s okay to be a mess and to show people I’m a mess. I’m learning to say no. I’m learning that people still love me even if I don’t have it all together. Even if I don’t do for them as I use to. Even if all I have to give is my ear or words of encouragement. I’m learning that I am not a bad person with evil intention like I was lead to believe. I’m a broken person with flaws an emptiness I tried to fill with worldly things, an emptiness that can only be filled by myself and my quest to find the meaning of life through the Lord. I’m learning that I can be a Godly woman and still be who I am. That a Godly woman is not just that perfect church goer who never does anything wrong or has it all together. That I can still be a Christian and have a few drinks with friends, let out a few swear words here and there and acknowledge the fact that I have a sinful mind that wonders where it doesn’t belong at times and I am still forgiven. I am still loved. That the most important thing about being a Godly woman is to LOVE everyone as He loves us and to constantly seek Him out and learn from His word and to continue to grow.
I know some people will not take this as I would like them to, but that’s okay because at the end of the day if what I have to say or what I’m going through helps even one other person out there it was worth it. I know that having an open heart leaves it open to hurt, but I also know that I have to be true to who I am and this is who I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I invite everyone into it because I know what it’s like to not feel loved, to feel like you’re not worth it. I’m still working through those false ideas myself and I want to be there for anyone else who needs help too. I want to share my journey of healing so that maybe others will have the courage to start their own as well and to maybe be a pillar of hope for others. To show people that it’s okay to admit that this is fucking hard. It’s not what it appears to be, but we do have the choice to stay positive despite the horrible things we are dealing with. That we can have light in our darkness. That sometimes it’s okay to breakdown and sit in the darkness and appreciate where we are coming from because it makes the light so much brighter. That it’s okay to call out and ask for help.
This is my truth. This is my path. Not everyone is going to agree with it. Not everyone can relate to it. Not everyone needs to hear it, but it was put on my heart to write it down and to share. So, that is what I’m doing and what I’m going to continue to do. I accept any consequences that may come from it.
Have A Better Day! 🙂